#8 - Jennifer’s Body (2009)

It’s bi boo time! In our first of two halloween specials, the gang goes full lesbi-gay for Diablo Cody’s 2009 sleeper hit, Jennifer’s Body.

It may have been a decade ahead of its time but the indie emo songs and guyliner make it a true classic of the late noughties. In case you weren’t sure whether the hosts of this podcast were actually teenagers during this time, this episode offers definitive proof with mentions of Veronica Mars, The OC and Fall Out Boy. 10/10 movie.

Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried deserved awards for it, if you disagree, come fight us.

This week’s BPEs (bi-panic energies) embrace a whole spectrum of messiness and Bi visibility.

Finally, the pressure is on for our only host to have all her wildcards voted into the bi-panic room (so far...), Charlotte, who fights for her life with her latest wild card pick - and it becomes clear who in the gang was a teenage Tumblr nerd and who wasn’t.

Listen to full episode :

Episode Transcript

[Please note that transcripts are automatically generated so may not be 100% accurate]

Welcome to The Bi-Panic Room, a bi-monthly podcast exploring the films and television series that trigger bisexual panic, aka bi-panic.

Hi, everyone.

My name is Grace, and along with my co-hosts, Tessa, Charlotte, and Harry, we give you a warm welcome to The Bi-Panic Room.

Or should that be The “boo”-Panic Room?

That's right, it's October, the first of our special Halloween episodes.

This week, we are taking you back to the late noughties, exploring the 2009 Diablo-Diablo-Cody...

So glad you redid it.

Exploring the 2009 Diablo-Cody film, Jennifer's Body, before delving into our Bi-Panic energies of the week, rounding us off with this week's wildcard pick is Charlotte.

But first, back to business, back to 2009.

Diablo Cody, fresh from her Oscar win for Juno, which was awarded for Best Original Screenplay, delivered a divisive teenage comedy horror, Jennifer's Body.

Here's the IMDb synopsis.

A newly possessed high school cheerleader turns into a succubus.

Yes, you heard that, right?

I'm not going to re-pronounce it.

Who specialises in killing her male classmates?

Can her best friend put an end to the horror?

So commonplace school problems.

I love it.

It is.

first thing I want to briefly mention is the appalling low score that this film has on Rotten Tomatoes and on IMDb.

Oh, let us guess and do higher and lower.

It gets ripped to shreds.

It's poor and it's low.

And this is because there was an absolute marketing fuck up with this film.

Charlotte's looking at me like, what the hell are you about?

Was this like a case study?

People were studying.

Yeah, so they actually said that in an interview later on, I think it was like 10 years later, because this has become like a feminist cult classic.

As per Wiki.

But they basically just completely went on the whole, Jennifer's like Megan Fox being hot and just marketed that.

And obviously the boys went and went like, what's this?

Like, this is a feminist and I don't like this.

And then none of the girls who would have probably enjoyed it, namely, well, people like us, the gays and the bi's.

No one got to see it.

So I remember the trailers back when it came out and it was very overly sexualized for the young men.

For the young men.

And in like the era of Superbad and kind of like all of these teen raunchy rom-coms, completely mis-marketed.

Weren't they trying to say it was a cross between American Pie and like scary movie almost?

But it kind of missed that boat.

Yeah, no, not at all.

I think it just also just came out at least 10 years too early.

I think that the problem is not just that it was a complete mismanagement of the marketing and knowing who your target audience is.

I wonder whether even young queer people or young women at that time would have had enough of a cultural context and understanding of, I don't know, feminist theory or what they are trying to say with that movie to actually appreciate it for what it is.

Because I feel like that means we were probably the target audience for it, right?

And I feel like we like that movie, but we probably, so much of it went over our heads that we get to appreciate now re-watching it, but we couldn't back then.

So I think it's just like very much an example of a film way ahead of its time.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I feel like she does that anyway.

Like has anyone seen the United States of Tara?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know.

It's a phenomenal series.

Do you think as well, it kind of started off the, because I remember definitely in school that one liner insults, you know, you'd be like, you know, your mom or you'd be saying kind of punchy stuff back.

It almost like started that off again, because we had that in the late nineties where people would give those one liner insults or jokes and then we didn't have them for a while.

And I feel like this movie is really good at one liners.

Yeah.

I think it brings back that whole era of like just language we use, which is not the best, but, you know, yeah.

But the script is phenomenal.

So speaking of, I think a term that we should absolutely reintroduce into our vernacular is Lesbegay.

Oh, so up for that.

Who says Lesbegay?

It's kind of in the beginning, one of the other students, I think, calls Amanda Seyfried Lesbegay because she looks at Jennifer so adoringly when she's performing.

Oh, yeah, she does.

And I was like, perfect.

Adding that to the Instagram bio.

Absolutely.

Lesbegay.

Two of the LGBT community.

Speaking of the script, though, there were so many things I had to Google what they meant.

I don't know if it's just because of the time and place.

And it was in America.

But there were things that she said, don't be so JV needy.

And I was like, what does JV mean?

But a little Google to help me to go in dictionary.

Didn't go that far.

But yeah, junior varsity went, oh, well, that's not a term I'd ever have to use.

But now I want to...

No, that is like advanced American.

Advanced, yeah.

I'm intermediate at best.

So having that as a new insult, be prepared, because it might get you one day.

Don't be so year 10.

Don't be so year 10.

It doesn't got the same bounce to it.

I still don't know what year 10 means.

Oh yeah, as an Irish.

As someone who didn't grow up in the English school system.

Lost me.

Speaking of being lost, back to the plot.

So the film centers around the friendship between Jennifer, Jennifer Chek and Anita Needy, Les Nicky.

I mean, put a pin in that.

We'll come back to that later.

Barry Freud and Slippery Brothers.

Exactly.

But she's known as Needy throughout the film.

And those two were played by, I mean, the titular role for the purposes of the tape, Harry is caressing his breast.

Ample, but ample, but ample.

And as Amanda Seyfried literally says in the movie about Jennifer, tits were her thing.

Exactly.

And she is thus the titular role of Jennifer.

And that's Megan Fox, who at the time was like hot property.

She still is.

She is still, I mean, in Hollywood.

Yeah.

I mean, she was the hottest woman in Hollywood.

Yeah.

But also, like, everybody wanted her.

Like, she was box office success.

Everyone wanted her.

It was the Transformer era, like, leading actress.

And she's been kind of unfairly thrown.

Transformers.

Oh, her Hollywood journey has been so sad.

She's just been done dirty by the film industry.

Exactly.

A bit Lindsay Lohan-esque without the drugs and the...

And Amanda Seyfried, fresh from...

Not too fresh from Mean girls, but people would know her from Mean girls.

Mamma Mia.

She would have just been in Mamma Mia as well.

Was Mamma Mia before this?

2008.

What?

This is a post-Mean girls, post-Mamma Mia, post-Veronica Mars.

Got the range of that girl in that year.

Yeah, Amanda Seyfried.

They're both playing teenage gals.

It centers on their friendship and it's generally about, this is why it's a feminist comedy horror, but not in the way you really think.

What a unique genre there.

It's a very unique genre.

Just to throw you into the plot, they're two friends.

Needy is literally that.

She's quite needy.

Jennifer is absolute.

She's the JV Jark bitch of the school.

Needy is her little puppy dog who follows her around.

And they both go to a gig where they randomly discuss whether Jennifer is a virgin or not.

And she's like, hell no, I lost my...

Do you have a quote ready for this?

I'm not even a backdoor virgin.

I couldn't even go to Flagst the next day.

Yeah, and she has to sit on a bag of frozen peas.

It is so fucking funny.

The way she says it was just such, oh.

It's grand, because it's like, there's no shame.

It was an inconvenience to me.

And a busy day planned.

Exactly.

So it kind of plays on this idea that they're in school.

They would be virgins.

And so Adam Brody comes along.

I mean, we'll come back to Adam Brody in Eyeliner later on.

But he is in this band that is coming to play this absolute backdoor town.

Sorry, I've got backdoor in my head now.

These backdoor people in backdoor towns and a backdoor band.

Backcountry, backwater, backcountry, whatever it is.

You're setting the scene.

They are in and out of the backdoor.

Backdoors.

And they are?

Anal left and right.

Who ironically.

Don't you dare cut this out.

So Adam Brody is back in this backcountry town and is essentially on the hunt for a virgin as you do when you're in a band.

Front door and backdoor.

He's in the market for front door, backdoor virgin.

Because as you would really common in backdoor American towns.

He wants to-

Just say rural.

Or country.

I feel like country is small town.

Small town girl.

Small town America, and he is playing this tiny little rural, like, bar.

And they basically, for some reason or another, want to find a virgin to sacrifice her and use her as part of demonic spell that will enable them to have worldwide success.

So they literally say, as you would, trustingly, to needy, oh, she's a virgin, right?

And she's like, yeah, of course she's a virgin.

And so without, you know, any further due diligence, they're like, great, we're going to nick her after this and we're going to stab her and we're going to sacrifice her to the devil so that we may become famous.

That all happens.

Quite easily.

Yeah, all quite easily.

All goes quite well.

Also with the barren going on fire, there's a song that's playing.

Instantly on fire.

Randomly, the bar is on fire.

People die during it and we just move on.

And nobody calls their fucking parents.

She calls her useless boyfriend except instead of her mother.

She was on a swing shift.

It's very common for back country towns.

Well, it's also that Jennifer, I think this is like where you see that even though, you know, she has this incredibly, that Jennifer has this incredibly intense friendship with Needy.

There are just cracks in their relationship that they don't quite know how to navigate because Needy kind of realizes there's a weird vibe with these musicians.

It's giving gang rape.

Exactly.

And Jennifer's like, and I think this is, it's so hilarious because before, you know, before she basically becomes a demon, she's just this small town girl who, who is like the hottest girl in her town.

Like that is her main commodity.

And she considers herself to be, you know, so much better than the place that she's in.

And then she watches these musicians, but her, her frame of reference is actually still so fucking small.

Like her basically big dream is probably to make it to the next largest city.

Like she's actually so like small and pathetic still in her own way, as like a teenager from a small town would be.

But she considers herself to be so much more.

And we just get like tiny inklings of it, but it's like, it's so incredibly there.

And so she thinks like going with these musicians is going to make something possible for her.

So she basically puts Needy down and gets into their rape van with them and just drives off.

Which clearly has demonic things.

There's the spell book.

There's a big shiny knife.

She just goes in.

Yeah.

Adam Brody with the eyeliner.

I mean.

Something is going on.

I mean, this is just after the OC.

I think most of us would have gone into the van.

Just gasping at seeing Adam Brody again.

I would have been like, Needy, please come with me.

But also, this isn't just Adam Brody as Seth Cohen from the OC.

This is Adam Brody, bad man, who is a confident bad man with eyeliner.

And I'm sorry that that is just.

That ticks every box.

Emo music.

He sings emo music.

He sings it well.

Very well.

Well, mimes it well, I think.

Is he singing?

That's a true fact.

I don't know.

Adam Brody, if you're listening, confirm.

Well, let us know.

Emo us.

Feel free to let me know if you want to get down to us.

Oh, yeah, we should listen.

So that all kind of kicks off very quickly.

And but yeah, I think you're right.

The band is something we kind of have to mention to the film because this is an era.

This is like what we would call the scene era.

Oh, absolutely.

It's side partings galore.

It's eyeliner.

It's giving hot topic.

It is caramel.

Straightened fringes.

Straightened fringes.

Oh my God.

That era.

And they just nailed it.

They just nailed that time frame.

And the creepy band guys, because there were so many creepy band guys around at that point as well.

Oh, totally.

The ones that would just lear on a stage and just think that they're it, and then girls would just be gushing.

It's kind of giving Fall Out Boy.

But Fall Out Boy poster was on Jennifer's wall in her bedroom.

And yeah, but like Charlotte said, you've got this thing of they're both very naive, but in their own little ways.

So Needy is still a virgin at this point.

Jennifer's like, I'm not even a front door back door virgin.

No, no, no.

I don't think she is.

Yeah, because she has sex with Chuck for the first time, doesn't she?

Yeah, she's thinking about Jennifer.

Yeah.

Yeah, but that's literally the first time they have sex.

They make this comment about it because it's like he goes to all this effort of like da, da, da, and then the whole time she's thinking about Jennifer.

When he then goes, you know, and she basically has her panic attack because when they finally do have sex, she's thinking about what the horrible thing that's happening to Jennifer.

And then he misinterprets it and goes, am I too big?

I could not contain myself.

It's just the most incredible.

Like nothing encapsulates a teenager boy better than that.

No, it's okay.

I was just thinking about my possessed best friend.

Who's Megan Fox.

In an arm gay way.

Well, I think that's the interesting thing, isn't it?

Because Needy is like this, I think what's also interesting is that like Jennifer's just painted as this like beautiful, very sexually active, confident young girl.

And so her best friend, you know, like wears sensible sweaters and glasses.

So she must be like a...

I'm so sorry.

I'm just laughing at the fact that you're saying this, Charlotte, but right now you're wearing a sensible sweater and glasses.

Well, I mean, who do you think I would identify more as?

But she's got dark hair, so she can't be evil.

Here's the thing.

None of us are identifying with Megan Fox.

But that's the thing, isn't it?

Because you then just expect that she's going to be like this kind of like stuck up virgin, but she isn't at all.

Like it's not that she isn't, has like no sexual agency at all.

She's not Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions.

She's the one with the boyfriend.

She just wants to like do it in her own way.

And he is, I actually think he's like probably a very good, you know, encapsulation of what probably like a teenage boyfriend would be like, because he's like incredibly, he's needy in his own way.

He's very insecure and he clearly like cannot handle the relationship between Jennifer and Needy.

He's constantly threatened because I think he's so aware that they have a relationship and a love that, you know, he can never ever get between or can never try to, you know, I think he's also aware of how hard Megan Fox is.

Yeah, and intimidated by her.

He goes with her at the end, doesn't he?

Well, spoiler alert, I'm sorry.

Let's not be, he's not completely a Mr.

Nice Guy.

No, that's true, but he is a little bit better at that point, isn't he?

Not in the same way Jennifer was, but.

So just when we see the band play, and that's when like Bi-Energy really starts to ramp up.

So you see Adam Brody, and it's just, just watching it again.

I'm like, I just want to be screaming California.

Yeah, it is that kind of like tone, isn't it?

Like very California.

It just takes me back to that time.

And then when Needy and Jennifer are just holding hands, listening to this, oh, it's time stamp of a song.

It's perfect, isn't it?

Because I think it's this beautiful moment where, you know, they watch these like angsty boys play their music and they're high on that moment and being like happy and being with each other.

And it's like, and there's so many like teenage feelings that their bodies can't contain.

And you are in that moment just like, I have been, I've been that person, you know?

It's perfect.

But you instantly know something is up because as the song starts to play, the whole place starts to go on fire and no one is really fucking noticing.

No.

So there's something a bit eerie.

The song is going, like Jennifer's like, not Jennifer, Needy's like, we need to get the fuck out of here.

And Jennifer's like, Let's get some Tventara shots.

Yeah.

Oh, the North Tower isn't full enough.

Well, that's such a dark joke.

It was too soon.

I'd say a decade.

It was like eight years after, yeah.

I don't even think we can make those jokes now, still.

No, but it is very of the Diablo Cody style of writing.

But yeah, like Charlotte said, fire, everything burns down.

For some reason, Jennifer is absolutely in this spell, goes off with the guys.

We don't really know what's happened, even though we know we've just told you what happens.

But the next time we see her, she has rocked up to Needy's house in the middle of the night.

There's some nice jump scares going on in there.

Because this film is definitely a good old horror in terms of, like, it's a comedy horror, but it's very good.

There are still jumpy moments.

It's very wacky.

It's like a proper wacky horror movie.

And she turns up looking like an absolute zombie.

Well, she's had a bad night.

And that's, I mean, it's still Megan Fox, though.

Yeah, it's still looking gorgeous covered in blood.

She's covered in blood.

Wet, like, almost.

Like she's been thrown into a waterfall.

And Needy doesn't really blink twice when she first sees her.

It's like, oh, it's you.

Yeah, what are you doing in my kitchen?

Your friend is covered in blood.

Yeah.

Like, you okay, hun?

It's like ripping into a rotisserie chicken.

That's a normal night out for you.

She basically bombs her intestines out on your kitchen floor and you just, like, pretend nothing's happened the next day at school.

Teenagers, eh?

But yeah, so lo and behold, Jennifer rocks up the next day at school looking ridiculously fine.

Radiant.

Absolutely radiant.

And we're not entirely sure why just yet.

But Needy's like, what the fuck?

You threw up in my house.

You looked awful.

And she's like, no, I'm fine.

Everything's great.

And she completely kind of like gaslights Needy into thinking absolutely nothing's wrong.

She's fab.

She's fine.

And as the film goes on, we discover that because Jennifer was not a virgin, when she got stabbed, brutally stabbed by Adam Brody, the whole curse has completely fucked up.

And she has now inherited some kind of demon spirit inside her.

And she now needs to basically link to Van Helsing.

She needs to feast on the blood of humans to survive and to keep herself fit and healthy.

Rotisserie chicken is just not going to cut it.

And this is where the film starts to go on and become a bit of a massacre.

And Jennifer's body count goes up and up and up.

I think from just to point out their friendship at the very beginning, it's a very kind of fresh insight into Jennifer not eating needy because she needed some food.

That's kind of the whole part, I suppose, of the whole, when we talk about being a feminist, kind of called film.

She is deliberately not choosing to eat needy, although there is a bit of drama later on.

But she's like, I don't want to eat my best friend.

She's going after the useless boys.

Yeah, which is kind of ironic in one way.

Yeah, I read something about someone who did a piece on this and said, they called Jennifer's Body the bisexual, Jennifer in Jennifer's Body, the bisexual monster in the closet.

I feel like I completely disagree with that because of exactly that.

She only goes after boys.

Yeah.

So she actually, she's like, I'm going to save all my rage and anger because she got murdered by men.

She decides to take it all out on guys and it's actually needy.

The one person in life she's going to closest to, she doesn't decide to take a shank out of.

Doesn't she have that quote or in the middle of it where she goes, I swing both ways.

Well, to be fair, the person we see her then actually like making out with is needy.

Is needy.

Yeah.

Well, this is the one film and no cruel intentions.

Cruel intentions does not count.

This is the one film that we've mentioned so far that has a gay kiss in it.

It is so hot.

They go to town.

I actually forgot until I rewatched it that this scene happens and I was like, how?

How do I not watch this on a loop every day?

I think it came up in my time.

I definitely back in the day when I was looking up trying to find gay movies and I would come up and I'd be like, oh, what's this?

And I'd be like, what's a horror?

Oh, I don't want to watch it because I'm afraid of horrors.

But yeah, I had seen that quite on Instagram quite a lot.

And I was like, hmm, this is in the community.

Like if a kiss could be choreographed.

Wasn't it meant to have been a lot more in depth as well, but it was stopped.

Really?

Yeah.

And I think they were asked to cut it because it made it too gay.

For the purpose of the tape.

Oh, we just want it to be teasy gay, not actual gay.

Exactly.

So they kind of they went down that route.

And I think she said in an initial draft, there was a bit more of an exploration of that storyline.

But again, it's kind of a big question then.

Is Jennifer's character secretly in love with Needy in a weird way?

There's definitely, well, we know there's a connection between them.

Because like you said, I'm pointing at Charlotte.

Sorry for the purposes of the tape.

When Needy is losing her V-card, she is thinking about Jennifer and she's sensing something happening to Jennifer.

So it's like there's this weird connection there between them.

And the fact that when she's having this big seminal moment in any young girl's life, she's thinking about her best friend.

It's like, we're not being subtle in what we're hinting at for sure.

Even before there was any demons going on, she knew that Jennifer was in her house and the chip went, how do you do that?

There's just, they can sense each other's presence.

Just a sick sense of knowing where Megan Fox is.

It's quite a gift.

But yeah, and she kind of, she has this superpower that she somehow is, well, superpower.

She becomes basically a mortal, or like very, very hard to kill because she's got this demon inside her and she's feasting on men, essentially.

The lighter on the tongue.

Oh my God, I am a god.

I spent like, after that scene, when she like does that and says, I'm a god, I like looked up for a t-shirt that said that for the next like 45 minutes.

I was like, should I just buy four of them for all of us?

Because this is so fucking bad.

Put it on the tote bag.

Exactly.

And she did her line delivery.

I mean, I think it has to be said in general, Megan Fox's performance in this film is absolutely incredible.

Just give her her flowers for it.

So good.

So is Amanda Seyfried though.

their investment into those characters.

When she's crying and screaming and losing Chip or losing Jennifer, the emotion for both of them in those end scenes are like...

The chemistry between them is stronger than...

Electric.

Absolutely insane.

I think it's almost like...

I think what's cool about Needy as well is I think she's already written as a character that's much more interesting than a role like that usually is.

And I think Amanda Seyfried is just great enough of an actor to absolutely run away with it.

But I feel like with Jennifer, regardless of what's on the page, I think there is absolutely a version of this film where she feels much more one-dimensional, or we basically play it to the male gaze.

And whatever the character, whatever the camera frames, I think the way Megan Fox plays her is so spot on in every complexity that she has, that I think absolutely didn't get, and possibly still to this day, I think doesn't get the credit it deserves, because there's so much, I feel like, background work that she does with all of it, and that now you get to appreciate.

But back then it was probably just like, yeah, she was hot in slow motion, walking down the school hallway.

Yeah, that's the only bit that made the trailer.

That's the only bit that gets remembered.

It's such a shame because she's so phenomenal in this, like truly.

She's so funny.

Yeah.

So fucking funny.

Like we're gonna get to it, but they were phenomenal.

Like I have a list of her one-liners.

Just the subtle line delivery.

The delivery was just...

There's just at the beginning where she's just saying that her mom was out, she's like, mom had a date with a guy who owns the ham store.

It's filling in a river of ham.

Oh, it's just a tie in.

It's perfect.

Yeah, they just, it's just so underrated.

And the two of them, and I actually read, the supporting cast is phenomenal as well.

You've got, Adam Brody is peak, just annoying.

He was on the top of his game when he was in this movie.

He was equivalent to Megan Fox in that sense.

He plays it really well.

And you've got JK.

Simmons in the supporting cast, Johnny Simmons, no relation, I don't think.

No relation, I googled that.

You googled that.

And they all kind of, they play the roles that traditionally in these kind of teenage comedies of the time would have all been played by the women.

They all play the supporting roles.

They're all kind of slightly, they're not quite three dimensional characters.

And you've got the real complex characters are these two teenage women who never really get that screen time and never really get that kind of complexity on screen and never get to be that fucking funny.

Like, similar to, who was it in one of the recent podcasts where we were talking about in Cruel Intentions where Sarah Michelle Guetta's character isn't really allowed to own her sexuality.

In Jennifer's body, it is fully owned.

It is literally a part of the crucial part of the plot.

Yeah, and she uses that sex appeal to lure in, like even the kind of soft emo boy who you think really likes needy, the second Jennifer shows him any kind of sense of interest, he switches just like that and he's like ready to drop his pants in, in like by the tree.

Yeah, no, he's the other guy, the guy.

Oh yeah, sorry.

In the...

No, no, she means the like...

In the abandoned house.

Yeah, abandoned house, also from Veronica Mars, just throwing that out there.

So it's like a peak cast, it's great.

All of your teenage OC, Veronica Mars, Bi-sexual panic, like teen dramas, you've got it covered.

But it's kind of French, female friendship in a positive way.

Yeah, but you know when you kind of go like, oh, why is the girl wearing like barely anything, picking up the phone to the screen mask man and like running, you know, whatever, doing all the stupid shit?

The guys are doing that in the film.

They're being, they're like.

I have a quote for Barry not wearing anything.

We'll go on.

So it's from Chip, when Needy is changing, saying, those jeans are hella low, I can almost see your front butt.

Needy's like, it's a rock show, this is my rock look.

Chip then goes, well, I can see like your womb, so.

That sounds quite funny.

What an insult.

I can see your womb, so.

Yes, so.

Just to go back to the victims, Colin the emo boy.

I would have had such a crush on Colin the emo boy.

I did.

100%, because Kyle Gouldner, who plays him, is like one of my favourite indie boys, still to this day, I think, Hollywood's sleeping on him, so I'm 100% with you, like that would have been.

If he was in my class, I would have like given him like longing stares.

100% all the time.

Even though he turned out to be the bad guy, spoiler, in Veronica Mars, I loved him in that.

We can forgive him for his performance.

We need to do another episode of Veronica Mars, because The Bi-Panic in that is insane.

But yeah, this film just kind of, it turns everything about a traditional teenage comedy in a traditional like horror slash a horror final girl kind of thing on its head, and gives that kind of agency to all the kind of female roles in it, and it's just fucking fab.

I have nothing more to say.

Okay, here's my question.

Remember, it's funny because I brought this up earlier today, but I hope everyone has had the privilege of listening to this in an earlier episode when Harry uses the term Wiedon.

And here's the question, because there is a moment in this movie where, no, no, hear me out, where Megan Fox goes, you give me such a weddie.

Oh, such a weddie.

Here's the question, what is worse, that or Wiedon, Grace, or Weddie?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Do I?

Yes, this is a Sophie's choice.

Except for Grace's choice.

I mean, I think, I think weddie just sounds worse to say.

I agree.

Not gonna lie.

Yeah.

Long live Wiedon.

Yeah, long live Wiedon.

Harry wins.

Put that out of the top.

I would use that.

I would use that.

Keep calm, Wiedon.

Trademark.

Stop encouraging it, please.

On a slightly more wholesome thing that she says, that's another abbreviation.

I really liked when she was trying to shut up the guy that she was kissing and just goes, shut it.

She's just so brutal.

So brutal.

And then all the animals come flocking to her.

And then just when the CGI vampire demon face comes out, we think, oh my God, it's happening.

It's happening.

It is.

It's quite impressive teeth.

Yeah.

I think another quick one-liner I do quite like is when not to be a spoiler, but when Jennifer gets stabbed and she's like, got a tampon.

You look like you're plugging.

Was that in the same scene?

She brings up there's a lot of period jokes.

There's a lot of period jokes happening, for sure.

Yeah.

Which makes sense in the film.

Take heavily covered in blood.

Very true.

So throughout the film, like a little subplot is the fact that Adam Brody's band is getting ridiculously huge.

And as Needy says, everyone has a hair-a-don for Devil's Kettle.

Or do they have a wide on for it?

Everyone's getting ready for Keddie.

She actually says Boner, so, you know, okay.

Okay.

So Jennifer is on an absolute killing spree.

And meanwhile, the band are on this meteoric rise.

And despite the fact that so many boys are getting absolutely murdered throughout the school, the band just keep coming along and being like, oh, we'll play the school.

Like they're going to play the...

It's all going to culminate in this school prom scene where the band are coming back because, you know, the town has meant so much to them and they did all this bullshit about, you know, they basically used the massacre to, as an excuse for why they became so famous.

Not realizing that Jennifer is going around as a demonic creature, murdering everybody.

But essentially as Needy starts to realize what's happening.

So Needy is like, something's wrong with Jennifer.

And she starts to realize that she's going around like eating boys.

But people aren't believing her.

So even her own boyfriend, Chuck, Chip, doesn't believe her.

So it's weird because they have this starting point with Needy and with Jennifer, where obviously Jennifer's like the dominant one.

Jennifer's in control.

Needy's very like Needy.

And she's becoming increasingly fucking pissed off with Jennifer because Jennifer's a god and she's going around absolutely destroying people.

And it's kind of fracturing their already a little bit fragile relationship.

So Jennifer is, no, what's her name?

Needy is going around and starting to realize what Jennifer's up to.

Nobody believes her and she realizes she's the only person that can essentially stop her and she takes it upon herself to do so.

But because Chip, Chip doesn't believe her, Needy breaks up with Chip just ahead of the school dance.

Which is really sad.

So Chip is feeling very sad for himself and heading off to the school dance.

And Jennifer is like, Oh my god, fresh meat, a school dance is going to be an absolute feast.

So it's all going to sort of kick off there.

And Jennifer is, does Jennifer head there?

I can't remember how she gets there.

She does, doesn't she?

Does she bother getting dressed up?

Oh yeah, she wears a lovely prom dress.

Yeah.

It's got black detailing in it.

It looks very nice.

Yeah, it's fab.

Fab.

So, you know, no teenage film is complete without a prom scene.

Absolutely.

And a pin in Amanda Seyfried in the pink, puffy 80s style with the huge hair.

It's just awesome.

Such a good look.

Incredible.

It's not even like trashy 80s.

She's just made it look really, really great.

Yeah.

Mama Mia, here we go again.

And, but yeah, so on the way to this prom, so Jennifer is there, not Jennifer, fucking needy, is lying in wait at the prom waiting for Jennifer to arrive.

Little does she know that Jennifer has picked up Chip on the way to the prom and is like, oh, a little pair of teeth, you know, before the main event and takes him off to this weird, like abandoned swimming pool that, you know, most schools have.

Which looks like a scene from a very 90s Crystal Maze episode.

Yeah, it does.

About a mask going on.

Yeah.

And so Jennifer, does she get like a weird tingle again and realise that something's going on?

Yeah, she gets at that sixth sense.

She gets that sixth sense because she is absolutely lesbigay in love with Jennifer and basically goes to try and save Chuck.

Chip.

Fucking Chip.

Biff Chip and the Magic Key.

And...

Demon Jennifer comes out and is going to town on Chip's neck.

Blood everywhere.

How is he not dead, by the way?

Well, she must have been biting quite slowly.

And it's during this scene that just loads of the anger that they've had over the whole...

My best friend being a demon comes up and...

During her rage, Jennifer starts to hover.

And Chip went, oh my god, she can fly?

She's just hovering.

Why do you have to undermine everything I do, needy?

Inside into their marriage with pediazines.

Yes.

Midlife crisis.

It's great because she puts this teenage layer on absolutely fucking everything.

So Jennifer is a demon, but because she's young and hot, she's like, I love this.

I love this for me.

I look fab.

My skin is amazing.

I can just survive by eating guys.

It's great.

And it's just like, I just love that spin on this whole thing is that throughout, they still maintain the fact that these are just two really young teenagers who are a bit kind of like, Jennifer's a bit upper self and needy is like coming into her own.

And it also shows how much control she has over all these boys who are just following her into these abandoned spaces to potentially have sex with.

And she's like, bye, I'm just going to eat you.

And she actually has a quote saying, I need you hopeless.

Oh, yeah, I need you frightened.

I need you hopeless.

And now as she is eating him and they're having an argument, and now I'm eating your boyfriend.

And her delivery, she's just so good.

We don't have to be justice at all.

You can't, it's just impossible.

There's just such a twist that she puts on all these like teen problems that it's just perfect.

I think she's sounding almost like as well, like the stereotype of like this dumb, good looking hot girl in high school, which is like so overplayed in American movies, the most like known from the 90s and 2000s.

So I guess why it's also, it's like that dead pantone.

Yeah.

And she's saying really like horrible things.

She does, doesn't she?

Like she doesn't end up fully like eating Chip, but he does die in needy's arms in the pool and Jennifer gets away.

Absolutely no love last night.

Bye.

True.

But obviously it's very traumatizing for needy.

Who is like now like she has to fucking sort out Jennifer.

Like there's no, you know, now there's no, no going back.

Yeah.

Needy is absolutely livid and she is about to drop the needy name and she's about to go in fucking get hasty.

Yeah.

birth through the window.

Absolutely rockets her way through because, but she's not hovering.

She's just fucking enraged.

Yeah, she's enraged.

And she goes through and she stabs, stabs her and she stabs, Oh, my tits, with literally like a box cutter.

And Jennifer delivers the most iconic line ever.

As someone who's been stabbed, she just goes, do you get all your murder weapons at Home Depot?

Guard your butts.

So even then, like it's just that catty behavior between two like teenage friends who kind of love each other but hate each other.

Like it continues the whole way through to the end.

And she kind of even though she's kind of sad that she's killing her best friend, she knows it's not really her.

She's like, yeah, it had to be done.

The need is like, you dumb bitch, it's your heart.

It's just like, you just killed your best friend, but sure.

My tit.

And of course, at this point, Jennifer's mom walks in and, you know, the nightmare begins.

Because obviously all the parents, as most teenage parents are, are completely checked out at this point, and has no idea that her daughter's been out being a demon and like destroying and murdering men.

It's oblivious.

She goes from being like really looking like a pale, pasty, hair looks horrible.

And then the next day, she's suddenly fresh after the sunbed, hairs being whipped back and forth.

And there's a quote that she said, my hair just feels really like limp and lifeless.

And for those of you who remember Cheryl Cole's L'Oreal campaign, where she would always say that, do you feel weak, limp, lifeless?

It just took me back to that.

Perfect Jordy accent.

Oh, no, not my best.

It's not Scouse.

I thought you said Cheryl Crowe.

Yeah, Cheryl Cole's famous Jordy L'Oreal campaign.

Yeah, I was like, Cheryl Crowe.

On English TV.

Oh, dear.

Sorry, I completely got confused then.

But yeah, so Nudie ends up locked away in a mental asylum.

I was about to say like, oh, you had to fight for this love.

Yeah, she had to fight for this love.

I can't think of a Cheryl Crowe song.

I can't think of any.

Soak up the sun.

Oh, back out.

Which is what she can't do, because she's a vampire.

No, I'm joking.

Anything that's worth having.

Going back to Cole now.

All famous Cheryl's being covered in this podcast.

Going back to Jennifer's body, guys.

So Nudie ends up basically in, not an asylum, but in a prison at the end, because she's murdered her best friend.

But as she like, because there's been a little bit of, there's kind of on and off narration through the film from Nudie.

And at the end, she's kind of talking you through, you know, oh, I killed my best friend, blah, blah, blah.

It's really sad.

She's sad that she's lost Chuck, Chip, whatever his name is.

And, but because she was bitten by Jennifer, but Jennifer kind of like, she resisted, even at the end, she bit Nudie, but she didn't like go to town on her.

So because she was bitten.

I go both ways.

Because she was bitten, but not destroyed by Jennifer.

She has inherited some of her abilities.

So at the end of the film, she is hovering away in her cell and she escapes.

And if there's anything more by than coming out of your closet slash prison cell.

Coming out of your cage.

After just like, you know, having moments with men and women and Adam Brody.

I don't know what more you need as a bisexual person.

Exactly.

And she doesn't just, you know, escape for the hell of it, but then she goes on her own revenge spree because then she goes and she kills the entire band and Adam Brody for what they did to her best friend.

Oh, such a good final scene.

It's such a shame it's like mixed in with the credits because I wanted that scene to be like 20 minutes long.

There could have been a whole sequel like that.

I love her going after that.

Just her vengeance would have been an amazing sequel.

Yeah, it's phenomenal.

And then at the end, you know, she's off somewhere living her best life as a semi-demon bisexual woman.

Yeah.

I feel like you could have helped.

It's really giving me as a background of the soundtrack, you could have Mr.

Brightside just playing.

What is that?

Because they do have like loads of really like late noughties music in that film, let alone like the original song in the film, which is an absolute banger.

Through the trees.

Harry's been waiting for this moment.

I will find you.

Oh, if that song would have been on an absolute loop.

Do you know what?

I would have cried to it and wrote it in my diary.

I'm still here breathing now.

Just want to just grab my heart and think about all the boys that have done me wrong.

I grabbed my tit.

I really did grab my tit.

But this film, if you haven't seen it and you, whether you'll buy or not, if you're looking for like just a fucking funny, brilliant, underrated film, if you trusted us up until this point, because continue to trust us now, go and find Jennifer's Body, put it on, watch it and thank us later.

You're welcome.

Okay, everybody, we're moving to the section of the podcast where we discuss what gave us...

What gave us a wedding.

Charlotte, no!

Gotta live up to our reputation.

That's just mean.

Absolute filth, Charlotte.

But for that reason, we'll come to you first.

My Bi-P actually might be relevant.

Exactly, see, we're staying on brand.

Who's got such a wedding now?

Okay, I don't even wanna know.

What are the songs?

Oh, gotcha.

Oh, okay, got you.

This is our Bi-Panic end of the week.

This is anything at all that would bring us Bi-Panic energy.

Charlotte, we're gonna start with you.

What is your Bi-Panic energy?

Okay, so we haven't recorded in a while, so I feel like there's been lots of things, lots of BPE moments to choose from, and I had lots of things that could be, it could be Daddy Cape Lanchard, or Tilda Swinton and Julianne Moore embracing at the Venice Film Festival.

That really got me.

Fab looks coming out of there.

It could be Zoe Kravizet's directorial debut, Bling Twice, which Harry and I saw last week, which was fab, and Stars My Future Wife, Adria Arjona.

I'm so happy for the two of you.

DM the Podcast girl.

Thank you.

Can't wait for the wedding.

Thank you.

It could be...

Charlotte, that's such a wedding.

Can't wait for your vows.

Look, I want to be respectful, okay?

So I'm not going to engage in that when I talk about that.

This could be wide on.

Moving on, no comment.

It could also be Taylor in her denim on denim look with a thigh high red boot that she wore for the chief opening game.

Are you just listing a bunch of Charlotte?

Yes, I am.

I'm getting to it.

She's been an energetic few weeks.

But I have to put some respect on Sabrina Carpenter's name.

Her fantastic, like super fun album, Short and Sweet.

It's perfect.

Perfect BP.

She's like, I think, the dirtiest, funnest pop star out there currently.

And she is on Chicken Shop Day.

And I think she like fully on matches Amelia's freak.

And she gets Amelia to say the word pussy on camera.

And she like cries with laughter.

It is obvious.

It is honestly one of the funniest things of all time.

And it's just giving massive BP.

Sabrina Carpenter.

She's got it.

Got it going on.

fair enough.

Right.

Well, following on from that, my BP of the week, I don't have as many as Charlotte.

I was between cycling.

I was between cycling and the Spanish cycling tour, but I felt like I've done it.

So my next one is also going to feature Sabrina Carpenter.

And I found myself last week getting really into the Reddit thread of, and also maybe being then slightly targeted on Instagram by TikTok, the drama between Sabrina Carpenter, Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello.

I feel like I'm 10 years too old for it, but I'm for it.

From someone who's had a crush on Shawn Mendes before, Camila Cabello loved her in her Fifth Army days.

And then Sabrina Carpenter, who's this new blonde on the scene.

I'm like, who is she?

Don't really know any of her songs.

I know there's drama.

She looks so much like Hayden Panetti, to me.

She does.

Yeah, like they've got similar types.

She's the same person.

Sounds a bit like her as well.

I was well nearly.

But anyway, so basically a bit of a love triangle.

Shawn Mendes, Camila Cabello basically went out for two, three years, have been like teenage love.

Like, you know, I think they were too young in the race, basically.

But anyway, it's been going on for years.

They had a break up.

Shawn Mendes then starts out with Sabrina Carpenter.

They then break up.

And Shawn Mendes is seen with Camila Cabello again at Coachella.

So everyone's like, what's going on?

Obviously, Sabrina Carpenter is really well known for writing songs about her ex lovers slash lovers.

And she basically came out with these two absolute bops, Coincidence and then Taste, where they basically talk about this girl is so paranoid.

You know, she's really paranoid about this girl who keeps essentially stalking her.

She's talking about Camila Cabello.

And then Camila Cabello comes out with this song and response called June Gloom, which is filthy, but it's actually a lovely listen.

So I recommend you give it a listen as well.

And basically people are talking then about this absolute threat.

I was spending a lot of time by myself last week and I was deep diving.

And this is crazy on Twitter as well.

Talking about how Shawn Mendes basically played both of them.

And some of the lyrics in both songs, like I think Sabrina Carpenter references, oh, by coincidence, you let your phone turn off and your car just drove between her thighs.

And then Camila Cabello replies back in her song June Gloom of being like, oh, you're here, you've driven all the way over to where it is Santa Barbara, wherever it is.

And it's like, what is this girl?

It's like you're 21, 20 years old.

There are better men out there than Shawn Mendes evidently.

And basically it's both, it's Sabrina Carpenter basically ripping Shawn Mendes to shreds, which I'm kind of surprised by that I'm enjoying.

I love how you talk about these people like your best friends.

I would recommend, give Quinsen to listen, then go for June Gloom and then go for Taste because then that's the latest of Sabrina Carpenter, where she then almost replies back and it's like, well, each time you kiss and think you're actually going to be tasting me.

I think it's such a burn.

I'm just gonna say that is my BP of the week of how I've got obsessed with youth pop culture.

And it's been a lovely change from my usual cycling obsession.

Normal business will resume, I'm sure.

And also, not to comment, but I think when you listen to Sabrina Carpenter singing as well, she's got a certain type of voice.

Like it's a very old, it gives me like old Hollywood vibe singing, like music almost or voice.

Camila Cabello, who does not have their voice, is almost putting it on in June Gloom.

It's the strangest thing.

So give it a listen.

Let us know.

Harry, what's your BP of the week?

My BP might be a bit controversial because I promise I'm not glamorizing being a criminal.

Oh, God, here we go.

But I am just celebrating the best reality TV booking since Jackie Stallone was in the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Yeah, Jack.

So Anna Delvey of Inventing Anna fame, the real criminal who frauded all the New York elite many years ago, has been booked to be on Dancing with the Stars in the US.

So I need to get all the VPNs at the ready so I can actually watch her do this.

She I don't have time for this.

I don't have time for you.

While wearing an ankle monitor, which is the most incredible thing.

So she had to get special permission from ICE to be able to go from her confines in New York to film in LA.

So American law is just insane.

And she now has to wear her ankle monitor, but because she's on Dancing with the Stars, they're like, oh, are you still going to wear it?

Let's accessorise.

It's going to be rhinestone and matching her outfits every week.

And it's just incredible.

We all deserve to die.

The bar is low of what I can celebrate these days.

And this is one of them.

And I just think it's great, a great journey.

And I really hope that, what was it?

Julia, who played her?

The one from Ozark.

Julia Garner.

Garner, that's it.

I hope she's in the audience one day cheering her on.

There's a request.

Have I ever heard one?

Yeah.

I'm just excited.

I mean, we don't deserve good things in this life.

We don't.

My BP of the week is going to be, so at the time of recording, Bi Pride has just happened in the UK.

Wave the flag.

I discovered that someone at my work volunteered for it, and I feel like that gives big Bi-Panic energy.

So well done to Jess at work who volunteered for Bi Pride, and put it on Instagram, Loud and Proud, not Instagram, on LinkedIn, Loud and Proud, where we're not telling anyone about this podcast yet.

I appreciate that level of, she is a self-proclaimed baby gay.

I think that is a really promising sign for future generations of baby gays, that she's like, yeah, fuck it, I'm baby gay, but I'm going to go volunteer at Bi Pride in the UK, and I'm going to talk about it on LinkedIn and say, it's like, talk about it and like promote bi visibility.

Fucking hell.

So fair play, Jess.

Yeah, well done.

That's fabulous.

And well done to the organizers of Bi Pride, because it looked like a fab event, and I can't believe that we did not know, even though we follow them on Instagram, that it was happening.

So we should have had a float there.

We should have had a fucking float.

2025 Bi Pride, see you there.

Yeah, yeah, we'll be there.

But yeah, shout out to Bi Pride UK.

And Jess at work, well done.

Okay, right.

This is the moment you've all been waiting for.

Charlotte literally has not been able to contain herself throughout this entire episode.

She's absolutely brimming with energy.

I think you've been saving yourself for it.

She's been, like, it's actually quite threatening.

She's been sitting there.

Like a bottle of pop.

Ready to absolutely fucking destroy us all.

I feel like we have to fall to them whatever happens here.

Gun to head.

I have a feeling that Charlotte may have been accidentally, like, stabbed by Adam Brody last night.

She is ready to destroy us all.

Guard your necks.

Guard your necks, everybody.

Harry, you're the only one in here that's a guy.

I am a love bird.

She goes both ways.

Okay, so we come to the section of our podcast where one of us will have to submit a film for contention, for consideration in The Bi-Panic Room.

This week's wildcard pick goes to Charlotte.

What's it gonna be?

Thank you very much, Grace.

I present to you for serious consideration the 2000s film Van Helsing, directed by Stephen Sommers, which I will admit I also had not rewatched, I think, within the last 10 years.

And having done it now, I realized two things.

One, I basically now have the haircut that Hugh Jackman had in the movie.

And it is possibly the best, worst B-movie ever made.

Now, for anyone who hasn't had the privilege of seeing this movie before, it is a failed franchise starter, essentially, in which Hugh Jackman plays Van Helsing, the famed monster hunter who sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula, who's using Dr.

Frankenstein's research and werewolves, as you do for evil vampire purposes.

directed by Stephen Summers of The Mummy fame, so already someone that we would consider an MVP.

I think Summers movies just make people buy, like My Man Stephen has all the 90s buys in a fucking toe cold with his movies.

It's like a mummy's reunion, like Benny from The Mummy is Igor in this, the gravedigger from this will be in The Mummy Returns, Alan Armstrong is also in The Mummy Returns and this movie.

You recognize faces left and right.

You've got Alan Silvestri have like this incredible, like big sweeping dramatic score with like a full brass section and a choir.

Somehow that feels very, very by to me.

And I think in general, what you can say about this movie that if Dennis Hopper in Speed is going for a swim in the River of Ham, then every single person in this motion picture is deep sea diving to the bottom of the Mariana Trench.

Like it is ham on ham on ham in the best, worst way possible.

We've got like a gorgeous Hugh Jackman, who I think that was like the peak.

Like that he has never looked better, I think, than he does when he does in this movie.

Like gorgeous, young, scruff, best hair in a, in a film since Odette fair as Ardeth Bay, you know, while wearing a leather coat.

You've got Richard Rugsborough as the campious Dracula of all time.

You know, and if you weren't like weird goth Tumblr boys with a, with a strange vibe, like, you know, that's, that's who you could go for.

You have David Wenham, Theramere, who's like this very mindful, very demure, a friar.

You know, if you're after a soft boy with an East London haircut, that's who you would have gone for.

Oh, I liked him though.

Exactly.

You've got Will Kamp with like a strategic loin cloth.

He's the hot Beckinsale brother.

You know, if you had, you know, a werewolf fetish, that's who you could go for.

And speaking of, then you had Kate Beckinsale in skin tight leggings, a corset, black eyeliner on the waterline, and you know, 2000s eyebrows that do feel quite like a mummy throwback.

It is very much like giving Eastern European pirate chic.

But I will say for me, the reason outside of like Hugh Jackman and his luscious locks, I think for me, like it was Dracula's wives, they were like to me, they were the massive, massive thing.

And the one that I was all about, elira, and she is the redhead in the pink dress.

And she is like so gorgeous in her pink dress, like the girls are pushed almost up to her chin.

She's got the flowing locks.

She's got this heart shaped face and the fangs.

And I genuinely had like, had those film stills of her printed out and stick it all over my school books.

She was like my runner up to an accent moon.

And also fun fact, she is also in real life, a queer woman, married to a woman.

What?

So yeah, got that right.

That's not gonna go this way.

I mean, that does change.

I mean, that does add some points there.

Why don't all around?

I think the costumes as well are giving massive bi energy.

We've got like chokers.

We have heeled, thigh high boots, leather coats and corsets, dramatic hats, bell sleeves.

It's just a very like bi wardrobe.

And the whole thing is really giving dark academia vibes.

You know, monsters from literature, tragic love, two hot dark haired people in leather who have chemistry, mask raid balls, vampires, werewolves, Catholic imagery, as you do, and gloriously shitty CGI.

I mean, this movie is basically Tumblr reincarnate in the best way possible.

And we're going to get serious for a moment.

I do actually genuinely think this is, I'm not just bullshitting.

Underneath it is also a film about generational trauma.

Oh, my God.

That's not all.

Reincarnated PTSD and reproductive challenges like Beckinsale's entire family has been killed in the line of duty.

Jackman is a fallen angel reborn to try and save his own soul.

And Dracula and his wives are doing everything that they're doing because they're desperate to have living children.

So, you know, like leave it to a Schmaltzy B movie to deal with real heavy human topics.

And as we've discussed before, trauma bonding is bi.

Charlotte, you are reaching.

I'm actually, actually, I'm really not.

It's like I barely had to do any work for this.

So in conclusion, I think it is a wonderfully like fun, bad horror romp with some genuine dark human undertones and gorgeous men and women left and right in a story about various people who aren't just one thing, you know, they are too bi, if you will.

Human and-

Werewolves aren't bi.

Human and bat, human and wolf, human and archangel, Jekyll and Hyde.

Guys, it does the work by itself.

I barely had to say any of these things.

You had to say all of them, Charlotte.

Just for reiteration, you know.

I think they have things in common, like two, but nothing else.

I'll stand by everything I just said.

Okay.

Who wants to go first?

Harry, do you have-

I go first.

Yes.

I was very excited to be watching Van Helsing.

Can I ask, did you see this film when it first came out?

I did not.

Okay.

So I remember seeing it out and about.

I thought, I don't think that's once for me.

There.

But now that I've seen the cast, I thought I was in for a real treat.

Also same.

Yeah.

We've got Hugh Jackman in the era of him, X-Men.

I have watched the X-Men, that trilogy hundreds of times.

So I thought, right, we've got that era, Hugh, in for a winner.

We've got Kate Beckinsale of Underworld Era as well.

Pearl Harbor.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I thought I was buckled up for a great time.

I was just distracted by the really slo-mo introduction to Kate Beckinsale, which was very off the time, but the hairspray mousse prom night curls.

Oh, incredible.

Oh, no, I couldn't quite get behind those prom night curls.

Or the Maybe It's Maybelline eyeliner by girl.

I mean, that was the eyeliner that we were to school.

Do you remember?

Like that was what we were doing.

It was heavy going.

I don't think it was a good look though, unfortunately.

100%.

It was awful.

So we've got Kate Beckinsale in her pirate wench with ambiguous Europe accent, highs and lows.

So bad.

I'm not a fan of the accent and it did throw me for a lot of it.

But there were absolute moments of bi-panic in this movie, I will give you.

My favorite being the accidental face-sitting moment.

Also my favorite.

Yeah.

Kate Beckinsale falling from above onto your face.

To your face?

Onto your face.

I was a paid extra.

I actually think me and Grace sat up when that happened.

I thought you said reenacted that.

As it jumped off the roof.

Loved that.

Just the surprise Kate on Hugh crotch on face.

Excellent moment.

The really hot brother criminally underused.

Why did they kill him off so early?

Such a crying shame.

So that he continually ripped his clothes off.

It was great.

Yeah.

Make him a werewolf.

And throughout the film, like come on Hugh, take it off.

You've got a big heavy coat on, just hang it up.

Take off all your clothes.

It's not until he becomes a werewolf, spoiler, that he starts to strip so that he can finally kill Dracula as a werewolf.

He's ripped.

Ripped, but the CGI of the werewolf takes over and it's like, no Hugh, you had such promise to show me.

That's the CGI.

I don't want to see a werewolf.

I'm team Edward.

But, enjoyable movie in parts, but I think I just wanted it to be better.

Can I just say, by the way, like I'm not defending this as being a good movie.

I think I just want to reiterate the fact I completely agree.

Yeah, I did want to enjoy it more as I was seeing such hot people just not being cinematically what I wanted them to be.

Cinematically aligned.

So, to conclude, I am very sorry to announce that despite the surprise face-sitting and Kate Beckinsale mostly spending most of her screen time being snatched from the ground like a lemming by the girls.

By the girls.

By the gal pals.

They're like the Dracula equivalent of the Powerpuff girls.

Sugar Spice and Chemical X.

My lack of general enjoyment of the movie does not allow it into My Bi-Panic Room.

And I'm very sorry, Charlotte, because I'm usually such a fan of all your choices.

Like Harry, so I think you covered a lot of my points in that.

So I was really looking forward to Kate Beckinsale.

I'm a big fan.

Hugh Jackman as well.

Even Hugh Jackman with eyeliner.

Maybe they could have saved some from Kate and put it on him instead.

Would have made it a bit better.

But Kate Beckinsale's character was just so irritating in that she was complete damsel, needed to be saved by every single man possible.

Her running really was, she could not run.

She went to the Pat Butcher School of Earrings at one stage.

Just that corset with the white blouse sticking out of it, and then the red, it looks like her boobs are bleeding.

I just couldn't get my head around it.

Nothing attractive about it, never mind the curls.

Just in general, her acting and her chemistry with Hugh Jackman, I think she could have had more chemistry with those horrible children thing, aliens thing, whatever they were.

Like so slimy and disgusting.

The offspring of Dracula.

Slimey aliens.

I was like, what is this movie?

So yeah, I have a lot of agreement with what Harry basically said there.

And to be honest, I was actually eating go-k pops last night, and it put me right off.

That is not a movie doing what you want to be eating.

No.

So I'm really sorry, Harry or Charlotte.

It is just not for me.

And I was really disappointed because I was had high hopes.

I think the only moment we did both set up was when the girls appeared in their human form and we were like, oh, hello.

My boyfriend.

Oh, girls.

And then they flew off.

And then, like Harry said, the scene of where Kate accidentally just sat on Hugh Jackman's face, we're like, OK.

And then it ended those quickly as it started.

So, yeah, I just I just I couldn't really get like, she's the man, could really get my head around just.

Yeah.

And I think I disagree with your sentiment that it needs to be.

It doesn't matter if it's a bad movie, but it has by energy.

I think it does need to be a slightly good movie.

I cannot believe you've just said that to me.

Got a lifetime of being undead.

Woman who brought Demolition Man to the table.

Demolition Man was a better movie.

Blood is leaking out of my head.

I think that could be evoked.

Who actually thought Demolition Man was a better movie than Man.

Okay, shots fired.

Veto, veto, veto.

Oh, is that a plane I need to catch?

Okay, so, I mean, it's one vote for yes.

Obviously, Charlotte bringing the film to the table, two votes for no.

I've got to say, when you brought this out, I instantly went up.

This is an easy in, had you seen it?

Because I had seen it as like a 10-year-old.

Right.

And I was like, oh, I absolutely remember loving that film for no reason whatsoever.

I couldn't tell you what the plot was, but I was like, it's clearly the plot is.

Not the tits to chin.

Yeah.

The plot was obviously like, you know, Kate Beckinsale and Hugh Jackman and the wives that I'd forgotten completely.

So I was like, oh, this is going to be an easy win.

We went to put the film on over two hours.

first of all.

Over two hours of the film.

It's got a 24% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

And unlike Jennifer's Body, believe it.

But I'm so sorry, Charlotte is looking at me like I'm absolutely.

I'm not defending this movie.

I know.

But you have to be able to like, because I may as well just Google pictures of Hugh Jackman at this stage.

Like, it's that thing of, it's tricky because I was really looking forward to it.

Because I thought like The Mummy, you know, childhood film of like, I remember really enjoying.

I thought I'm going to.

And maybe that's why I couldn't remember any of the plot is because I actually blacked it out.

Like, I just deliberately forgot it all and just.

So did I.

Like, my main thing is like, Elena and I are in the movie.

Like, that's why I was there.

They are, the gals are fab.

And I think there is, like Tess was saying, like the sitting on the face scene is like fab.

But it's like two seconds out of a two hour film.

And then you've got the scene where they're about to like, chomp into Kate Beckinsale's neck.

That is a real bi-panic.

That is a really good bi-panic scene.

Which gets absolutely destroyed because Hugh Jackman kills one of the women.

vampire things.

And it is the severe, like the fucking accents.

I couldn't get over the accents.

They were so, and you were saying they're swimming in like the Mariana Trench of Ham.

They were in Antarctica, frozen in ice because they were like the most frozen performances.

Frozen pork, are we going to say?

Nobody buried the pork this time.

They buried it like, yeah.

Minus 30 degrees.

Minus 30 degrees.

And, but one thing I will point out is that there is more chemistry in this film between Kate Beckinsale and Frankenstein the Monster at the end.

Oh, they have quite a bond, actually, isn't it?

There's a moment between them where I actually instantly, my heart went and I was like, I would watch this film for them.

It's a Beauty and the Beast moment of like, they have way more of a connection and I feel like that's a missed opportunity there and just pointing that out that Kate Beckinsale should have got with the Beast or one of the wives or something like that because the chemistry between her and Hugh Jackman was just...

Zero.

It was giving...

Not there.

Zero.

I mean, that could have been explored in a sequel, but unfortunately, the franchise completely bombed after the initial movie.

Of course they can.

And at the end, I thought that was a weird ending.

But it's not even like a big...

It was probably because Kate Beckinsale didn't want to be in the franchise.

Yeah, out of that contract.

We missed it.

It ripped my eyebrows to shreds.

I'm going to be sexy in Underworld, thank you very much.

I mean, Underworld is...

That's the thing.

It made us think about Underworld.

I mean, wait guys, it's obviously on the list.

Yeah, Underworld's got Speedman and Kate Beckinsale.

Back to the person who's in the doc right now and it's Charlotte.

And basically, I was just really sad watching this film.

And I was hoping for a bit like rewatching Casper and thinking, yeah, nailed it.

This was absolutely like a bi-panic film.

I was just really sad about all the missed opportunities and all the hot people that, yeah, the brother, I forgot how hot the brother was, wasn't it?

He was hot.

He was absolutely hot.

But I feel like over two hour film, the lack of chemistry between any of the characters means that unfortunately it's gonna be a three against one situation here.

And unfortunately-

We had that before.

I don't think we have.

I'm sorry, Charlotte, this is-

What about Demolition Man?

Or not this quickly?

Did one of you cowards vote for it?

I think I did.

I think you-

I was a no.

I can confidently say I was a no.

Sorry.

I don't think it was a bias.

Yes, you liked it.

Yes, dear.

We all liked it, didn't we?

We loved it.

They just didn't pass her the checks.

But unfortunately on this occasion, Van Helsing needs to die.

How does it feel, Charlotte?

This is obviously quite a shock.

But I think I just have to live with the fact that it's okay to have three friends who are so utterly wrong.

I'm big enough to be able to do that.

Charlotte, this is your first film that hasn't got in.

Deal with it.

I think you're lucky you got three very honest friends.

Am I?

I mean, look, I think I can absolutely very humbly accept the fact and agree that it is a terrible movie with awful CGI and, you know, I think what you can also tell when you watch it clearly had such massive issues during the production.

Like it doesn't have a cohesive storyline.

So there's absolutely make sense.

The tension is palpable.

It didn't start the franchise.

I'll definitely say, if KAP, I can say, had less say in English accent.

If there was a bit of an answer of chemistry between Hugh Jackman and Kate, we'd be having different conversations.

I genuinely think it was all there.

If they had the chemistry of Rick and Evie.

Oh, yeah.

It was all there.

It just needed to be lit up.

Maybe that's also the thing is like, you can never recreate that.

You know what I mean?

Like nobody else is going to have, you know, Rick and Evie chemistry.

I think for me, it's probably just this thing of like, like I was saying next to the mummy, this was like my big bi-awakenings.

For me, it's always going to be like probably a top five of experience in terms of, you know, your-

Hold it close.

Little gay journey.

Yeah, we can't take that away from you, Charlotte.

We will just judge you heavily, but we won't never take it away.

Oh really, I've not picked up on that at all so far.

It's yours and yours alone to enjoy.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's less of a wetty, more of a dry you.

And unfortunately, I can't take it back now, gross.

I can, I am editing it.

And it has unfortunately fallen short of The Bi-Panic Room.

But Charlotte is two out of three, so you know you can't take it too personally.

And that brings us to the end of this episode of The Bi-Panic Room.

Stay tuned because we're going to have another Halloween episode in two weeks time.

So, gird your lines, as Charlotte wrote last week.

Get your pumpkins out.

Lock the door.

Lock the door.

Run up the stairs.

Quiet toys.

That's what you do on Halloween is it?

If you enjoyed this episode of The Bi-Panic Room, please rate us and subscribe and leave us a review so we can reach all the other wonderful bi-cons out there.

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[Outro Music]

[Sting]