#12 - The Family Stone (2005)

On the 12th day of Christmas your bi loves give to you… the 12th episode of the Bi-Panic Room, wrapped up in a pretty, red bow!

Join the gang as they discuss a Christmas classic: The Family Stone, which features typical festive topics such as metastatic cancer, familial bullying and partner swapping.

The stellar ensemble boasts Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams, Dermot Mulroney, an unhinged Sarah Jessica Parker and Luke Wilson in grey sweatpants. What’s not to love?

This week’s BPEs feature the first mention of Wicked (but certainly not the last) and Instagram’s sexy grandma. Seriously, look her up.

Charlotte undertakes the Sisyphean task of trying to push one of the straightest films of all time up the snow-covered hill, as she attempts to convince the others of her latest bi-panic wildcard pick...

Ho ho ho. With a bi.

Listen to full episode :

Episode Transcript

[Please note that transcripts are automatically generated so may not be 100% accurate]

Welcome to The Bi-Panic Room, a bi-monthly podcast exploring the films and television series that trigger bisexual panic, aka bi-panic.

[throat clearing]

No, I'm not digging for clams.

It's a nod to this week's film, The Family Stone.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Welcome to The Bi-Panic Room.

Oh, yes, it's tis the season, it's Christmas time, and this is the first of our festive episodes.

Starting off with, yes, The Family Stone, a bi-panic ensemble, fitting of your late noughties Christmas list.

We have Rachel McAdams, yes, I'm giving her first billing, Dermot Mulroney, Claire Danes, Luke Wilson, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brian White, Elizabeth Risa, Diane Keaton, Tyrone Giordano, Craig T.

Nelson, Will I Go On, I Shall Stop There.

Also, because we're running out of cast members.

That might be it.

I can't scroll any further.

That SD carried us.

Family Stone, is it a 2006 film?

It's definitely an early to mid-noughties film.

Featuring just a phenomenal cast led by matriarch Diane Keaton.

It centers around the eldest, like the golden boy, bringing home his girlfriend for Christmas to meet the Family Stone.

And they're a big boho collective family.

And ultimately they hate her fucking guts.

And it is the tale of, yeah, a family kind of over Christmas, trying to see if they will accept a new member and-

And then categorically rejecting her.

On arrival basically.

She's out of there.

Yeah, they look out the window and they're like, oh, look at her, she's a hugging dad.

It's like-

It's so awkward.

They just don't, they set her up to fail.

So this is quite a turn of character for Sarah Jessica Parker.

She plays this high-performing lawyer or something like that.

She's into economics.

Yeah, well, that's actually her job.

I feel like I should talk about it.

Something, something for the Asian market.

Yeah, something, something on the phone all the time.

And she wants people to work over Christmas, basically.

Her first conversation was like, oh, she's a bitch boss.

Yeah, a bitch boss.

She's highly strong, highly high-performer, highly something's up her ass.

High pony bun situation.

High cheekbone.

That is slicked back.

There was real tension in that bun.

She's got tension in her head.

Yeah, just looking at it.

But yeah, it's her going home with Dermot Mulroney who is...

The stiffest man on the planet.

Yeah, suitably paired at this point.

Mama's boy.

So handsome though.

Salute Mama's boy.

He is handsome, guys.

Gotta give him that.

He does.

I think I was saying it earlier, but he could be a younger brother to Sidestone in Demolition Man.

Okay, and that's a demolition man, bingo.

It's the stiffness around the mouth when talking.

I think you're right.

It's asymmetric lips.

Yeah, and just the hair and the jawline.

I think if he became a bodybuilder, he'd be sliced along.

Okay.

So yeah, it's a great film.

It's about he brings her home for Christmas, and you meet this eclectic mix of the Stone family.

So you've got, yeah, matriarch Diane Keaton, married to Cratey Nelson, who is in a nice little swap.

She's the kind of bitch of the family, and he is the soft dad.

It's so cute.

We love a soft dad in this.

Very passive.

Justice.

Justice.

And then you've got, it's very welcoming, apart from Sarah Jessica Parker, diverse cast in their family.

You've got the random pregnant Elizabeth Risa, who I forget about every single time I've watched this film.

Because she kind of doesn't really serve a purpose.

She doesn't do much there.

She just bulk up the numbers, really.

I think, was she actually pregnant in the movie, though?

No, because there's a scene at the end where she doesn't have a bump.

No, no, she's heavily pregnant.

Yeah, she is.

I think she actually is.

In real life.

I have no idea.

Oh, I feel like she is.

Well, got a child and another one on the way and there's no dad in sight, just for shits and giggles.

Oh, he's very busy working, not sleeping with the secretary.

100% And that's been with his kids on Christmas Eve.

Yeah.

It's only acceptable if he's like a health professional or something.

Yeah, he's not.

He's wearing a suit.

How dare.

Shout out to all the health professionals out there that don't own suits.

Anyway, and then you've got, I'm sorry, the person who gives the most bi-panic energy of this film, Rachel McAdams.

Jesus Christ.

I would watch a whole film with Amy.

I'm sorry.

She's just, this is the one actual point that I will pick up with this film is that they miss, I know they already have like a gay male couple.

She should have been gay.

She should have 100% have been gay.

She is giving, she is gay, gay bitch energy.

And as soon as she gets bored with Brad, she's going to go off.

She totally will.

Absolutely have a feast.

She definitely experimented while she was at Vassar.

Like there's, you just know, those band t-shirts, that hair, that energy.

Exactly.

And we know that they keep pushing random men onto her.

And it's just like, guys, come on.

You've been through this before.

You've got the, I don't know if he's the youngest son, Thaddeus, who is played by a deaf actor.

And they actually, you know, include American sign language in the film, which is fab.

And they do it in a really natural way with the family.

And he's married to Patrick.

So it's nice to have a gay, like, male couple.

Just, it's not even mentioned until Sarah Jessica Parker.

Absolutely.

I'm not ready.

In the most, there are three things moment of this film, which we'll come to later.

And that rounds out the Stone family.

Luke Wilson.

Yeah, Luke Wilson, who is like the random middle brother, question mark, resident stoner.

Yeah, who just kind of like floats through life.

And you can imagine that he probably is like, runs a bank or something, but he just looks really casual and chill.

But could also live in somebody's basement.

Exactly.

He's giving that kind of like carefree vibe.

He's just very chill.

And he probably the most like the dad as well, though, in terms of being how caring and soft and how welcoming he is.

And because he really is also the only member of the family who extends some grace to Sarah Jessica Parker.

So when everybody else sort of almost teams up against her, he is the one who brings her a cup of coffee or, you know, tries to engage with her and, you know, later on, physically removes her from the family to like take a breather.

And nobody else, you know, shows her that amount of care.

Some things what I want to touch on is how often are they all seeing each other?

Because I obviously, my family's in Ireland, I see them probably three months, every three months, every two months.

I don't have these big welcoming, like hugs of, Oh my God, it's been so long.

How are you?

I'm like, hey girl, pick me up in the airport, like drive by, jump into the car.

So mom doesn't get charged the airport fee.

So it's like, it's kind of like, how long do they go from literally Christmas to Christmas without seeing each other?

We'll say that's what's happening.

Yeah, because it's just so dramatic.

All they're like, Oh my God, look at you, you've grown.

It's like, okay.

But all of them, except for Dermot Mulroney, seem pretty local.

Yeah.

Everyone else seems to just have their own room, but he's coming in from New York.

But they still greet each other after work every day with all this.

Wow, I haven't seen you in eight hours.

I mean, also, let's be honest, they are also American and different customs.

Different to American listeners.

Not bad ones.

I actually think like, it's kind of almost, I think, nice to see a film where you kind of have even any sort of physical affection between parents and their adult children on show, because I think it's quite rare.

And they do it like very easily.

Like it's very organic.

You're just like, oh, this is so nice.

Like maybe we should all have more of that, you know?

Well, Diane Keaton is a very nerd.

Maybe not for Tessa, who seems deeply disturbed by it.

Because affection hasn't made it hard.

I imagine Diane Keaton was picking you up from the airport.

She'd pay the fee.

Sorry, Rose.

I mean, I think for my mom, she's at the gate.

She's a bit of a bitch.

So help me God, if I had gone in and met with Diane Keaton, like I would have stayed in Canada.

See you later.

Bye.

Yeah, like Diane Keaton.

I think my mom at the drive-by, I think.

Yeah, at the drive-by.

Rolling her jumping in.

So yeah, the main part of the film is how Sarah Jessica Parker absolutely failed spectacularly to ingratiate herself with the Stone family.

So much so that she ends up calling her sister Claire Dames, who's also doing nothing on Christmas, makes absolutely no sense, but we'll skim over that, and invites her to her boyfriend's family's home for Christmas because she's already kicked Amy out of her room.

Sorry, can we quickly delve into that?

Because Sarah Jessica Parker refuses to sleep in the same room as her adult serious boyfriend in his parents' home for Christmas.

This is one of those things where I truly don't understand because if that were actually because you don't want to have sex until you're married, that's fine, but you can probably still sleep in the same room.

That would cause a huge inconvenience.

Oh my God, and then she just backtracked the second you realize you're putting people out.

Just backtrack and this is, I think, where it really comes to a head of like she's just incapable of having her way amended.

She cannot deal with the change.

I think it's kind of nice in some ways though, is that as much as she is, because I think it's not obviously officially written into the film, but she's clearly neurodivergent and she's got different way of looking at things than they do, but everything she does do is coming from a good place.

And she's incredibly apologetic and acknowledging about it.

Sorry, where she holds her finger up.

One second.

And then nods for them to leave the room.

I mean, that is pretty poor.

That's her being a boss, asking her subordinates to leave her office.

Is that your future mother-in-law?

Yes.

Imagine you do that to Rose.

Yeah, she's trying to do things.

She's just doing it in the wrong way.

She's trying to like, she's doing what she thinks is a very polite thing to do, but she's not kind of like at all acknowledging the context of the situation she's in and kind of going, oh, okay, this is how it rolls here.

And I'll therefore bend to their rules.

She's kind of going, this is how it must be done.

In a very open family, they talk about drugs and like Diane Keaton's reaction was, oh, so you just don't screw them.

One more screw.

One more screw.

There's a garrote in the family living room.

But yes, so most of the part of the film is really just watching her go through a series of humiliating events that we just cringe our way through.

But the biggest kind of storyline here is a romance in a way that you wouldn't expect.

So you obviously got the son bringing his uptight girlfriend home for Christmas and almost instantly, his own brother, Luke Wilson, clearly has a thing for Sarah Jessica Parker.

He's the only one that, aside from Patrick, who is the other outside of the family, the outlaw, who's very nice to her and gives her a lot of space.

Luke Wilson is the only one that is really kind of being, seeing her for what she probably really is.

He's seeing the effort she's making and all this sort of stuff.

But it's highly inappropriate the way he goes straight after her.

He gets right into his gray joggings, goes swinging in a schlongadong right in her face.

And just it's, it's hilarious.

That scene is so brilliant because they're like, we're staying on that moment and you're just like watching her be like, look away, look away.

But she doesn't look away.

I'm like, he knows what he's doing.

And that's like where the film takes an unconventional twist really.

Because when she then invites her sister into town to kind of back her up, Dermot, the golden boy child who is like bringing her home because he wants to marry her, literally sees Claire Danes and is like, oh, who the fuck is it?

Sarah Jessica who?

Sarah Jessica what?

I want to go travel across the world with you.

So it's a bit like a wife swap.

But yeah, over the course of like 12 hours.

Yeah, exactly.

They fall hard in The Family Stone.

They're kind of like the gays.

They are.

They are kind of like the gays.

It's a very Bohemian partner swapping family and it's a bit strange.

A polycule family.

It weirdly works.

I mean, I think Dermot Mulroney is just, he's bad man in this movie.

Like the way he's looking at Claire Danes, like at least Luke Wilson and Sarah Jessica Parker, you can see it happening more organically.

They actually build up a bit of a friendship.

Like she gets drunk, they bond.

Claire Danes, she falls out of the bus and he's like on her knees.

And he's like, Oh, hello.

Like he's like, stay down there.

She just shares one story about a totem pole.

And he's like, I'll show you a totem pole.

Oh my God, you're so deep.

He's literally just reminds me of a guy, like the American movies we watch over 21 years ago, he's like, I'm going to go travel and find myself across the world.

It's like, okay.

He's having a midlife crisis.

So I know Dermot is Batman basically.

Claire Danes is like phenomenal in this.

Oh, she's fab.

Her hair is so well conditioned.

Straight out of Stardust or straight into Stardust.

I don't know how it goes.

I always love Claire Danes and Stardust, which is a fantastic movie, obviously on the list.

And I love like grown up now Claire Danes, but seeing her in anything younger, I'm always like.

And I know you shouldn't blame the woman and it's absolutely on him, but it does make you think like, oh, was this the age you were when Billy Crudup left a seven months pregnant Mary Louise Parker for you?

Was that when this was happening?

Wait, was Billy Crudup a live bad man?

He left Mary Louise Parker, who was seven months pregnant with his child, for Claire Danes.

Did she also fall out in front of us?

Based on a true story, The Family Stone.

Claire Danes actually worked with Totem Poles.

I'm sure she did.

She went to save her sister from a horrible Christmas.

Blimey.

Okay.

Well, so, you know, on-screen drama and behind the scenes drama.

Well, she didn't even act in this movie then.

She's just used to wrecking things.

We love Claire Danes.

We love her.

She's fab.

Yeah.

So I think this film, you don't need to go, we don't need to go too hard into the plot of this film, really, because we've kind of told you the key things you need to know.

But I do feel like, yeah, the cast is a big element of The Bi-Panic in this film.

It is an ensemble that is just hot.

It's inclusive.

It's nice to see.

Inclusive though, they've managed.

We've got what, an interracial gay couple?

Yeah.

One of them is deaf.

We have a matriarch who's dying of cancer.

Sarah Jessica Parker is a virgin.

A pregnant woman.

A pregnant woman that we don't know much more about.

She might well be married.

And she's about to give birth to a second coming.

We don't have a gay Rachel McAdams.

I mean, that's the biggest step too far.

Shall we talk about There Are Three Things?

Oh my God.

The scene.

I think this is the thing that happens in every film.

A lot of the big bi-panic films we have is that there's a film, there's a section of the film that makes you want to dig a hole, dive, Pocahontas swan dive right in.

Hat trick.

And just wait for someone to just throw a little dirt over top.

I hated it.

That scene felt like it went on for six days.

I could not watch it with sound.

I couldn't do it.

It's like subtitles on, sound off.

I think I actually screamed.

So for context, this scene, so Julie, the sister has arrived at this point.

And they fawn over her.

She does nothing.

Because she fell out of the bathroom.

They're all around the table.

Supposedly, the guy who's about to propose to her is sitting and just staring lovingly at Claire Danes.

And these two people who are supposed to love her, let her continue talking in what is, I can't even, someone else has to talk through what happens at this point because I think I might die.

So the family love Claire Danes.

She has been in the house for 30 seconds.

And it's Christmas Eve, set the scene.

There's a lovely family meal going on.

And Claire in her adorable awesomeness that the family thinks that she has, just asks the interracial gay couple who are expecting a child via surrogacy or adoption, untapped into really.

Oh, what would you mind about the baby's race?

And it's a bit of like a cutlery on the plates moment and they all just act as if it's a completely lovely thing to say and it's so thoughtful to think about that.

I mean, it's a question that is there, but they question that caused a lot of trouble on Oprah with Harry and Megan.

Let's say that.

Oh, yes.

But if she does it.

Yeah, only Sarah Jessica Parker is the one who's like, you can't ask, right?

Well, I think as well, there's a different time.

You don't bring that up in the middle of a dinner party in a house you've been in for 10 minutes.

Yeah, exactly.

If they're your friends, maybe there's a moment where that's a question you can ask, but this is not the moment.

What a lovely wholesome pick question.

I love how that's a question she starts with as well.

Like, oh, do you want a girl or a boy?

Does she know their names?

She's like, tell me about the skin colour.

And they're like, we just want a healthy child.

Straight into, you know, a critical race theory.

And she's like, before she's even complimented the dinner.

Well, and it would be great if that's where it ended, but it does not.

No, I can't.

Charlotte, go on.

No, like I said, I can't because I couldn't watch it with sound.

Sarah Jessica Parker then is like, Julie, no, you can't like ask that question, which I think is a fair enough point to make.

And then the whole family are like, no, we'll never talk about it.

And then they come back with, we just want a healthy child, whatever.

And then she digs a big, massive hole as Sarah Jessica Parker, and she puts the question out there of talking then about being gay or being straight.

And it's, oh, well, I would hope that no one would ever want someone to be gay, was it?

How did she actually phrase it?

Nature versus nurture.

Nature versus nurture, yeah.

And then it's like, oh, but no one ever would wish for a gay child.

That's how she phrased it.

Yeah, exactly.

And then, like, they're obviously all horrified because she's being, to them, horrendously homophobic.

And she's just explaining herself, saying that, actually, it is a minority group.

It is, you know, it is more difficult.

It's been proven to be more difficult than obviously the majority and everything else.

But she gets absolutely taken down by sharks.

And yeah, but it just went on, though.

It went on five minutes too long.

Diane Keaton tries to, like, stop it by going, oh, I wished all you boys were gay when I was growing up.

Going, oh, it's fine.

Luke Wilson interjects with, I'm here, I'm queer.

Oh, god.

Get used to it.

And that's where we hope the scene ends.

Yeah.

But it does not.

Sarah Jessica Parker has the biggest shovel and digs and digs.

And nobody stops her.

Her boyfriend sitting next to her just doesn't.

Please go on.

And then she just says, oh, I just hoped that you'd want a normal child.

And that's when it's a bridge too far.

That's when the dad slams a table.

And if the dad who's like the softy slams a table, you are in fucking trouble.

It's so traumatic.

Add insult to injury.

She runs off and Claire Danes stays like Luke Wilson is the one to run after her.

And she's like, cool.

Okay, I'll just share with my new homies.

It's a really painful watch.

And if anything, though, it does kind of that's the one scene you can like Charlotte, skip over.

Because it won't give you bi-panic.

It will just give you general like, oh my God, what is happening?

Panicking, dying of secondhand embarrassment and pain.

But it's also kind of hilarious in some ways.

You have to get through it.

Was it a necessary scene?

I think they could have cut that.

Well, I think it just showed that the relationship that she had with Everett, Dermot Mulroney, is just not a good one.

No.

Or with anyone else, for that matter, apparently.

Yeah, it was bad.

Well, I guess it also serves a function that there needs to be something that almost sends her running and gives Luke Wilson a chance to basically take her out to the pub.

I think they could have said something else.

Like Sarah Jessica Parker could have like, she could have done the, but this is what they went with.

She could have done the meet the parents move of breaking like the grandma's ashes in the urn or something.

Like there could have been something else dramatic and the cat eats them.

That could have been, it doesn't have to be this, talk about gay versus straight and nature versus nurture.

That's just a risky topic to bring with in-laws anyway.

It's a bit, yeah, it's a risky topic anywhere.

It's just.

Talk about the food.

Talk about Christmas.

But no.

But yeah, like Charlotte said, it sends, it sends her running off out into the snow where she then crashes her car.

And still Everett does not go to help her.

Everett, who's asking his mother for his grandma's engagement ring in order to propose to this woman, by the way.

He's like, gosh, it'll be fine.

Yeah, she just crashed the car, but her sister's here.

Just watching her from the window.

Can I also just quickly say about the ring?

Because I guess the, like it was always gonna, the story was always gonna be that when he found a girl that he wanted to propose to, his mom would give him his grandmother's ring to propose.

And so he goes to Diane Keaton, his mom to ask for the ring and she fucking refuses to give it to him.

And, and like, I understand that one of her main objections is that she senses that one of the main reasons he wants to propose and get married is so that she will still be alive to see it, which is, and it's understandable that she doesn't want him to feel pressure to do that.

But I think her now refusing to give him the ring is such shitty behaviour.

That is so awful.

She's so controlling in the film.

Yeah, she really is.

That's the thing.

I feel like it was a fine line of where she's meant to be, like this cool, hip matriarch, and she ends up being just a bitch.

Yeah.

And I wonder, was there parallels, well, I was watching then of Sarah Jessica Parker, being an early version almost of Diane Keating's character, and then Luke Wilson's obviously very much like the father, and they're basically the new pairing coming up, and they're very similar in temperament and everything else.

That was my take.

I feel like you're giving the film maybe more credit than it does.

Oh, the parallels, and how Everett was actually more like Diane Keating then.

Yeah, maybe.

They literally picked all different sides, all of them.

Okay, so, and then at the bar, obviously, she and Luke Wilson, Luke Wilson is basically like, you need to chill the fuck out.

Fly your freak flag.

Exactly, and she proceeds to do so.

But she gets drunk and starts shouting, I love the gaze.

I mean, we've all been there.

That's all of our freak flag, no?

But none of the families had to see it.

Except Luke.

The only person who matters in that situation.

But what she does do is bump into, so there's quite a, the person who potentially hates her the most, apart from Diane Keaton in The Family, is Rachel McAdams' character.

Because she was taken to a nice restaurant.

Because she was taken, because she's just being an angsty TNT.

Absolute bitch.

She's being a bitch, but we'll forgive her, because she's completely hot and should be a lesbian in this film.

But, so she's horrible to Sarah Jessica Parker, and she definitely primes everybody else to hate her before she even arrives on the scene.

But anyway, so throughout the film, you hear little bits about her dating history and this guy called Brad who popped her cherry.

He's the most vanilla man ever, unfortunately.

Maybe that also just proves our point, because surely a vanilla man is your last step before you transition to women.

Brad is giving beard.

Yes.

The beard walks in to this bar where Sarah Jessica Parker is, and she's like, Oh God, aren't you the guy that popped Amy's cherry?

She senses unofficial payback here, and she invites him over to their house for breakfast.

Because she's accustomed to invite people over to this family's house at this point, so why not bring a friend?

I love how he just rocks up in his ambulance, like the barracks are so tight.

Turns out to be quite necessary.

But anyway, while she's run off and she's taken to O'Malley's by Luke Wilson, who teams up to find her but Julie and Everett?

To find her?

To find himself?

They go for a nice little stroll.

Yeah, they're basically hand in hand.

They don't look anywhere.

There's like three buildings in this town and they can't find her.

I'm surprised the engagement ring didn't end up in her hand just then and there.

Yeah, they're basically on a first date where he's hearing, he wants to hear everything about this because she's like, oh my god, I'm boring you with a story about the guy in the totem pole in Alaska.

Boring.

And he's like, no, I want to go to Alaska now.

And it's like, oh my god, he's got a totem pole in his pants and he just wants Julie then and there in the snow.

And it's actually quite disgusting to watch.

He asks her, tries to get all philosophical while he's looking for his lost, maybe fiance one day.

Do you think that you've ever chose your life?

My god, this man is listening to podcasts.

Sorry, us.

And yeah, he is 100% going to have a pop-up.

He's got a cheat on Claradine as well.

And he's going to realize he likes being paid a lot of money and he's going to sleep with the secretary and off ever it goes.

But anyway, sorry.

Yeah, so they were on like an unofficial date behind also.

Her sister's back.

And they never find Sarah Jessica Parker.

So they must at some point just be like, oh, well, sure, she's fine.

Stop looking and go home.

Oh, yeah, because he walks her home to the fucking inn.

And then he literally is like, can I come in?

Can we go out for coffee?

And she's like, oh, pure.

What I quite enjoy about Claire Dain's face is there's moments where it looks like she's absolutely repulsed by him.

But then she's also like absolutely in love with him.

So it is I don't know.

She kind of plays it weirdly well in terms of like, yeah, she her face acting is on point.

Yeah, because she clearly does get the vibes from him.

But she's like, oh, shit, like, oh, my God, you get your mind, my sister.

And but then the big giveaway is when she's then washing her face, like everybody does with big, long hair, she doesn't just tie it up.

Sorry, that's my big bug, Beth, that she's washing her face with the hair.

Anyway, and then the door knocks like not long after ever it's left.

And it's the dad back.

And this is the point in the film where the dad makes a play for Claire Day.

And I'm just making that.

Well, everyone's so enraptured by her charm.

She rushes to the door.

Surprised that Rachel McAdams didn't go for it.

Who's there?

For her own dad.

Claire Daynes and Rachel McAdams.

Oh, that would have been great.

Anyway, side note, but she rushes to the door again.

Her sister is missing at this point.

She's met this man tonight when she fell off a bus.

Did she hit her head maybe when she fell off the bus?

She rushes to the door because it's like, oh, ever it's here.

She's come for me.

And she is so disappointed to see his dad there anyway.

I wish the dad cares more.

Poor Sarah Jessica Parker.

What's the dad doing there again?

Oh, he's come to apologize to Sarah Jessica Parker for slamming the table because he's so sweet.

And he's right to do so, I think.

He goes, maybe I went too far there, slamming the table.

He appreciates the difficulty she was under.

And he's like, have you even found her yet?

You're her sister.

Like, what the fuck are we putting you up in the tin for?

Oh, no, I was just off to bed, actually.

Yeah, just off to bed.

I was hoping your son was here.

So meanwhile, after getting very drunk in the bar and having all these lovely chats and Sarah Jessica Parker feeding like a person for the first time in a while, they just sleep in the car.

And it's freezing.

Like her shirt is sheer.

She's going to have a pneumonia the next day.

But lucky because Brad's coming over and he's a paramedic.

So the next morning, this is Christmas morning now.

Oh, we have skipped over a little random bit where for some reason Elizabeth Risa is watching Meet Me in St.

Louis.

St.

Louis.

St.

Louis.

What a reason Frank.

Yeah.

And and Judy Garland.

What did you say?

Judy Garland.

I don't mean I don't know if this is an inappropriate question, but do you mind about the race of the person singing?

Actually, yes, I want a reason, frankly, and I want representation on TV.

They're watching clearly like a big inspiration for this film is Meet Me in St.

Louis.

And so they just randomly have this scene where Elizabeth Risa, the pregnant woman, is lying there with Amy, with Aby, and they're watching this film and they just have a little bit of a little moment of her singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

And then we remind ourselves we're watching a Christmas film and this is all taking place over about 48 hours.

But come the morning then, Sarah Jessica Parker wakes up in whose bed?

Stoner Ben.

Stoner Ben, Ben Stone, the stoner.

And obviously she believes that she has because she was absolutely wasted.

She had three beers.

She had three whole beers and stick was firmly removed from her arse and she believes that she has slept with him.

And she's kind of like happy slash like only when she gets cut out by the four of them, but otherwise she's like, I think I slept with him.

She's kind of happy about it.

And she does the bust across.

Oh, no, this is when she, oh my God.

This was a moment that actually made me lol so much, which is the, okay, so she thinks she slept with him.

The dad rocks up to go and find Ben and sees him there and he's like, oh, sees her there and he's kind of like, oh, not my business.

Which by the way, also, she is so incapable of getting out of that bed and hiding from the dad.

I'll roll this way.

He knocks like three times and she cannot manage it.

It's like Denise Richards trying to escape the submarine.

Exactly.

It's like, oh, there's water coming.

What will I do?

Just so possessive.

Why don't you turn this way?

She could even just like go under the covers.

She's so thin.

Go under the blanket.

She could just button herself under the covers and he probably wouldn't notice.

He is going to come and sit down.

He's not going to come and bounce in the bed.

No.

So she, she like, he leaves, she gets dressed and goes down the stairs.

At which point she grabs Claire Danes into the bathroom to talk to her.

Oh no, wait.

She has the ring on already.

So before this.

Oh my God.

The decisions of this family.

Also on Christmas Eve, sorry, we skipped over a little bit here.

Diane Keaton, we've kind of briefly mentioned she has cancer in the film, her character.

And she says to Everett, on Christmas Eve, as you would, I'm dying, there's nothing you can do about it, bitch.

Here's the ring.

RIP.

I have to say the acting in this film is fab.

Everybody gives it their all.

You believe they're a family.

They actually rehearsed for nine weeks before shooting.

So they would really get that family vibe and it really pays off in all of their performances.

But anyway, so she's like, I'm dying.

You can't do anything about it.

Lol, bye.

Here's the ring.

I've changed my mind.

Like, have at it.

That ring is a whopper.

That ring is a whopper.

It's like a free carriage pavé, isn't it?

And I think that's the one he bought.

So he's got his grandmother's ring and he is all giddy and goes up to Julie and he's like, try it on.

Lol, try it on.

Go on.

Try it on.

And she's like, no, it's bad luck.

And Diane Keaton's like, yeah, what the fuck?

You're like, it's bad luck.

Even Diane Keaton is kind of, as much as she loves Julie, she's like, are you fucking for real?

I've just given you this after you've brought this woman home you've been with for years anyway.

And he puts it on Claire Danes' ring finger and it gets stuck, obviously, because she's like, I have such big hands.

And so anyway, she rushes off into the bathroom.

Claire Danes comes downstairs thinking she's just shagged his brother.

What did I say?

Claire Danes.

Oh, Claire Danes runs into the bathroom.

Sarah Jessica Parker runs down the stairs, like thinking she's just had an affair.

And she rushes into the bathroom after Claire Danes, at which point she hasn't clocked the ring yet.

But she does the strangest thing with her coat.

She goes in, she like tightens this coat in front of Claire Danes.

And I wish at this point, this was a video podcast, because she does, in a family full of sign language, she does the strangest symbol.

She goes, I did something bad.

And she's like this.

She does this weird thing with her hand.

Like a crisscross.

Like, I urge you to go and watch that film.

I feel like I'm gonna have to go back.

Yeah, go back and watch that scene and just watch the strangest, like, vogue she does with her hand.

As a jack-o-tight, she says it and she's like really proud of it.

She does this thing with her hands like this.

You're like, okay.

What kind of language was in their family?

I have no idea.

But she's all giddy about the fact that she's slept with this guy.

And Claire Danes is even like, what the fuck?

Like, who are you?

I've got, why am I here?

Oh yeah, by the way.

And by the way, I'm marrying your boyfriend.

And then she clocks the ring.

And her reaction is, oh, is that it?

So it's like, okay, these, they all just need to call time on their relationships at this point.

But yeah, she kind of realizes that the ring is on her sister's finger.

Diane Keaton, when she actually does suddenly change her mind after a few hours of giving the ring to Everett, she has to like, have a bit of emotion towards it.

Because before she was like, no, she's not the one.

And then she changes her mind after waking up and she says, I hate to see you not find what you really want.

So she kind of puts the power into his hands.

Like, here's a ring, but don't marry her kind of thing.

And yeah.

Go straight to Cody.

Yes, oh, okay.

The next available specimen, who he's not related to.

She'll do.

So Dermot Mulroney, they just burst into tears and has the ugliest cry face.

He does.

It's so realistic.

I agree, I agree, it's really heartbreaking.

That's why it's so ugly, because it's real.

He doesn't just do a little sob, his face contorts.

Yeah, it's so good.

So in the morning, it's Christmas Day, and who gives out the first presents?

But Sarah Jessica Parker.

And up to this point, everyone's been a fucking knob to her, but she's gone to this effort of getting every single member of The Family Stone the same present.

She's wrapped it up, and it turns out to be a picture of Diane Keaton that she's had blown up, as in, not like bazookaed.

And she's had them printed and framed in a really lovely way.

And it's a picture of her pregnant with who she thinks is Everett, but it's actually Amy.

And they all cry, because obviously they've all, like, for some reason, been told at Christmas that she's dying.

But obviously Sarah Jessica Parker has no fucking idea.

She has no clue.

Because nobody told her.

But she's done this thing that actually turns out to be really moving, and she's really bonded the family at this point at Christmas.

And they're all crying.

They're all like, and Diane Keaton does the bitchiest, most patronising thing, and says, you did good.

You did good, kid.

And I'm just like, fuck, OK, you down.

God.

This is your last Christmas.

Enjoy it, bitch.

This is how you chose to act.

Anyway, no, we kind of get the protective vibe of Diane Keaton, really.

I'm only going in on her because I just feel so mean to these new, like feel bad for how mean she is to these new people in her house.

So yeah, so it's Christmas Day and there's this moving moment.

And then Dermot Mulroney starts to talk to Sarah Jessica Parker and is trying to talk to her and take her out of the room.

And she just screams out, she's like, I will not marry you, Everett.

And he does, again, the most cutting, bitchy reply, which is, I didn't ask.

And then he's like, I didn't ask you to marry me.

Which is so insane, like, you asked for the ring, you put it on my sister to see how it would look.

I'm sorry, I'm being presumptuous by assuming you were going to ask me to marry you.

If I was Sarah and Tara, I'd be running away from spring to their family, take me with the father and run away because they're all vile.

They are.

And then Dermot Mulroney is an absolute horrible person to her.

And it's like, yeah, I wasn't going to ask you anyway.

But then when he thinks that his brother has slept with her, he's happy to chase him around the house like a child, being like, how dare you touch my toys?

Which actually then leads to probably the best scene in the whole movie of Sarah is having her meltdown, goes to have those whatever meals she was making in the Pyrex.

The storyline of her wanting to make Christmas breakfast.

It looked lovely.

And she just pours it all over herself and then all over the kitchen floor.

And then everyone, Diane Keating and Rachel McAdams, just like right in the kitchen as well.

They all just burst out into laughing.

And then somehow all end up slipping in it.

Now I would say poor Diane Keating, if she falling, she breaking her hip on the tile floors.

I do enjoy that, how that becomes a weird bonding moment between those three women who kind of don't get on at all.

Oh yeah, the hysteria.

Sarah Jessica Parker finally lets loose and is like, you're a bitch to Amy.

And Amy, she's like, you're the worst.

You're the worst of all of them.

And she's like, I know I am.

It's really sweet.

Lovely moment.

And everyone just keeps slipping in the egg.

Yeah.

And it's just it's great.

While the boys are just being silly and running around, the girls are actually bonding over Parmesan.

But they actually ruined Christmas dinner.

They were like the turkey falls over, like all the food on the table gets overturned.

Like Christmas is ruined.

Last Christmas, Diane, she didn't get to have some turkey.

I mean, they just did a five second roll and picked it up, I think.

But meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker is just overhearing her brother saying that she doesn't love, she isn't loved.

Again, as she's laughing with his mother.

She's like, I'm sorry, what?

What was that, babe?

You don't love me?

Cool.

No one does.

What does she say?

No one loves me.

Oh yeah.

Why doesn't anybody love me?

Oh my God.

That's a tragic character.

And then her sister abandons her in all of this chaos.

She's like, fuck it, I'm out.

Yeah.

I've screwed up this family enough.

I'm going to leave.

I'd leave my sister, which probably really needs me.

I don't know.

Merry Christmas everyone.

So she gets on this bus, Dermot Mulroney dangerously drives to the bus station and tries to convince her them to be together.

That is so inappropriate in so many ways.

Wildly inappropriate.

Even if you're like, I've met this person and you know, it's love at first sight for me or whatever.

How about you let everything calm down?

And then maybe in a couple of weeks, you reach out and send an email.

The world does go on after Christmas.

He was thinking with his toach and pole.

Yeah.

That poor bus driver as well is waiting to go.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

She gets off the bus to make what is in any other film be like a bit of a meet queue and say, I just wondered what you're doing for new year.

And the bus, but they do this whole conversation in front of the bus, in the headlights on Christmas day.

Like this man has places to be, he has a family to see.

No coach will be putting up with this.

Exactly.

They would be plowed into.

Yes.

That's an alternative ending that I'd like to see brainstormed.

Because then it goes into this montage moment of Everett walking back towards the car like a very eight mile of him.

Slow mo.

Like grinning as if he's just won a million dollars or something.

And it's like, I think you need to re-think about your life choices, Everett.

I think you need to really co-value it yourself.

Maybe take yourself across the world, go travelling by yourself.

Not leap head first into a new relationship.

Don't look to a woman to solve all your problems for you.

Exactly.

He's just chaos because how well did that work for him last Christmas?

Speaking of last Christmas, we then jump to next Christmas, which is where everybody is a happy family all of a sudden.

Everybody's partnered up just with different partners than they came with last year.

Yeah.

So Sarah Jessica Parker and Luke Wilson are now a couple and we're being told that she's now a much more chill person because she's wearing yoga pants.

And her hair is down.

Her hair is down.

Oh, it's fab, the hairstyles.

Finally.

She was so stirred.

Little blowout.

Like no more headaches for her.

Yeah.

Thad and Patrick have their baby.

Yeah.

So cute.

So does Elizabeth Risa at this point.

She has given birth to Jesus.

Give her a storyline.

Absolutely.

And her husband rocks it.

Half of one.

Rachel McAdams and Brad are somehow still in a relationship.

She still hasn't embraced her truth.

And then Claire Danes and Dermot Mulroney join as well.

They're now shacked up.

And then Rachel McAdams.

And I think that's actually really quite sweet.

Like watches Brad, you know, decorate the Christmas tree.

And then she hangs up a little bauble.

And it's like clear, like, you know, she's carrying like grief for her mother because it's the first Christmas without Diane Keaton.

And the gift of her Diane Keaton being pregnant and the photo of her is proud of place in the family living room.

And that concludes The Family Stone.

Do you know what I also I think I think that's quite, I would say quite bi-conic about this movie is the fact that the gay couple in this, they are the most, the happiest, healthiest, most well-adjusted.

That is my note on that.

They don't bring any of the drama to this.

It is all the chaotic straits around them.

They are just so in love.

The dynamic between Patrick and Diane Keaton is just really warm.

Patrick is the perfect man.

He is perfect.

He is the one I want to bring home.

He is making Christmas dinner.

This man is beautiful.

And it is like you were saying.

He is the one person outside of Luke Wilson who is really kind and inclusive to Sarah Jessica Parker.

Probably because he is also the only other person who was brought into that family from the outside.

And somehow managed it.

And survived it, yeah.

I do wonder if Rachel McAdams was going out with a female.

Maybe would she be just a lot nicer and less chaotic?

Yeah.

Top cast.

Like some questionable character choices in terms of like, are they nice people?

Are they terrible people?

But I feel like we just, and things like the Claire Dayne and Dermot Mulroney, quote unquote, romance, we just decide to sort of like ignore it, tactically ignore that.

I think it's a show in True Life of Family as well.

There's always certain people in certain families that are going to do things that other people wouldn't do in families.

And I know every family is the same.

I think showing how different everyone can be all the time.

Yeah.

And not to instantly dismiss people just because they go to shake hands instead of hugging strangers.

Exactly.

Please marry the person who falls off out of the bus.

You cannot go over that, can you?

No.

It is crazy.

But yeah, it is a fun watch with a hot cast, like good Christmas vibes.

Yeah, feel good.

Gay representation, which we haven't actually had a lot in other Bi-Panic films.

Such healthy gay representation.

So healthy.

And it just normalizes it.

And like you said, this film is way ahead of its time.

This is like, oh my God, it's nearly 20 years.

This film is nearly 20 years old.

Stop the press.

And we're still like, I mean Happiest Season came out what?

2020?

And we're still talking about this.

That's not held up as well.

Can someone please make a healthy Christmas gay movie?

No offense to Cleo DeVaul, because we love her.

But although studios fault.

They should keep that opening credits because they're the most festive.

They're like all these old classic holiday postcards and they're with all the actors names.

And it just looks like a little calendar.

It's really cute.

Yeah, it's lovely.

Anyway, fab film.

Enjoy it.

Merry Christmas.

We love the gays.

Okay, everybody, it is festive film, festive bi-panics of the week.

So ho ho ho's.

What's it going to be?

Who's going to go first?

I can go first.

Ho Charlotte, take it away.

Werewolf pride.

My BP of the week is the new documentary that you can find on Netflix called Martha about Martha Stewart.

This has been flashed up to me every single day.

It is.

I'm like, should I watch?

It's completely fascinating.

She's just like such an incredible and really interesting woman and truly like could not give less of a fuck.

Like it's really, really like, doesn't try to make anybody like it.

She's just reached a level of like just success in life generally that she doesn't have to put on any airs.

And she like is incredibly blunt in the way she talks about her life.

She's even already, I think she's doing the rounds now to promote it, but she basically has already said she doesn't like the documentary that's all made about her.

And there's a particular moment.

Makes you want to watch it more.

I know.

There's a particular moment in it where she talks about the breakdown of her own marriage.

And I have to quote this.

She goes like, basically straight to camera, young women, listen to me.

If you're married and you think you have the perfect marriage and your husband cheats on you, he's the piece of shit.

Leave him, leave that marriage.

And then the director from the off-grows, didn't you have an affair before that?

And then she's good.

She goes, yeah, but he never knew about that.

It is, I burst out laughing.

It is so delicious.

It's super, super fun watch.

And she's like a really interesting character, someone who's, you know, who's not imminently likable and who's not trying to be, but who you can't help but be in awe of anyway.

So yeah, great, great film.

What a watch.

Fab, it's not a choice.

Ho Harry, what's up?

Mine is not particularly festive, but I have been gripped by an ongoing storyline that has gone international.

The Wicked Film Press Tour.

Oh my God.

The outfits are insane.

The work that has been gone, put into this press tour is insane.

The budget for just them walking around a different city.

Their future is unlimited.

My particular favorite has been Cynthia Erivo wearing Tom Brown in this exaggerated hip silhouette.

And everyone's expect her just to wear green constantly, but this is a full black gown with a hood and full sleeves.

And with these hands coming out of the shoulders.

Have you seen it?

No.

It's so creepy with just all the nods to Wizard of Oz and The Wicked Witch of the West.

So there's two creepy hands are coming out of the shoulder and she's full camp performing the witchery on the red carpet.

And it's just awesome.

And it's by Tom Brown and he's done a wonderful job on this custom gown.

And Ariana Grande has also one Tom Brown pink gingham nod to Dorothy and pink for Glinda.

And she's also carrying a little Tom Brown purse in the shape of a dog, Alatoto.

So I've described this as the Zendaya vacation of a press tour where it's just dressing on theme on brand.

And I love it.

And I really can't wait to go watch Wicked.

Oh, and also just a special shout out to Jonathan Bailey's Legs at the Sydney premiere in his shorts, which he describes you can only get from dancing.

Dancing to life down at the Oscar.

Oh my God.

Hello.

We've got some theatre kids in this crowd.

And Ho Tessa, what's going up?

What's going down?

What's going up?

What's the VPE of the week?

What's rising?

Hopefully property value.

So mine isn't very festive either.

It's more personal based.

Yeah, we're just looking at property to just basically, I tried to do as I was ending like.

A wanker?

Yeah.

Just embrace it.

Not property bros.

We're thinking of moving away from where we live at the moment and moving to like the sub-arabes slashes the town.

We're moving like three doors down from Charlotte.

I mean, that is the dream.

But yeah, we're just looking at basically reno's.

Wild is more bi than renovations.

So, yeah, we're looking at basically two projects this week, Meekend, Me and Grace.

And we're going to see if we can.

Well, we need to sell basically our place first and then move on.

But it's fun having all these ideas and plans and what walls we could tear down slash paint.

And I mean, that means for all of us to get involved.

I was just going to say, I'm just waiting for our to-do list to arrive on our doorstep.

We're going full birch running mode.

Full, yeah, like we need to get our dungarees ready.

Oh, I've got my overalls.

Same, good to go.

So, yeah, that's basically our fun project of the week has been looking at different places that we could potentially do up and what we can do with them.

So, yeah, I think it's panic as well.

Admin.

As well as energy.

But, yeah, but it's great.

Cool.

Love it.

Go on, Grace.

Yeah.

Send us home.

I don't really have a BP of the week.

I'm too, like, I feel like I need something festive.

You can say renovations too.

I don't want to steal your idea.

So I might go for something festive themed, which is that I was convinced this was going to be the John Lewis advert music because it appeared in my list.

And I was like, oh, I wonder why she's done a cover of that.

It must be for Christmas advert.

I haven't looked any further to find out if that's the case.

But Griff has covered Pure Imagination.

So Griff has covered Pure Imagination.

I love Griff.

Griff is great.

Griff can do no wrong.

Griff's cover of Apples is better than the original.

I love that version.

I will fight anybody.

I just think she's fab.

She's fab in everything she does.

And Pure Imagination.

Yeah, go listen to it.

That is my Bi-Panic of the week.

It's kind of got Christmasy vibes to it.

It gives John Lewis would be picking that up.

I don't know who's picked up or if she was just like putting it on line like guys come have this.

But it's a fab listen and if you haven't listened to it, go listen.

I'll go add.

Do it.

Amazing.

Great picks, guys.

Fun.

Charlotte is in the hot seat for this week's Bi-Panic Wildcard.

So our first festive wildcard, what have you got for us, Charlotte?

Okay, so there's obviously different types of out there choices, you know, we could pick for our wildcard like Mrs.

Doubtfire or Uncle Buck, respectively.

But I think there's like another type of out there, which is incredibly painfully straight in every way.

And this week, that is my genre.

And I present for your consideration, Nancy Myers' 2006 romantic comedy motion picture, The Holiday, which if any of you actually don't know, is basically a broken-hearted English woman and a workaholic American woman swap houses for two weeks over Christmas.

And somehow that's enough time to radically overhaul their lives and personalities.

I think all of us here are very familiar with this film.

We probably all grew up watching it.

It's a yearly watch for me.

Isn't it just?

And it's, you know, we're kind of open with Iris, who is a simp journalist who lets her fuckboy colleague gaslight her for years and then has to watch him get engaged to someone else.

And it culminates in this scene that I generally find really excruciating, where she gives him a super thoughtful and expensive Christmas gift.

And he pretends like he has something for her, but then obviously has to fuck all.

And I think it should come with a trigger warning because I feel like everyone's been in a situation like that.

I hate him so much.

Who plays him again?

Rufus Sewell.

Yeah, he's also a bad man in Night's Tale.

And he's so good.

And it is so devastating that, in fact, in a scene which I truly can't believe made it past the studios, Iris briefly attempts suicide by inhaling gas from her stove.

I can't believe they left that scene in the movie.

And you play it for laughs?

Low point.

Incredible.

Yes, that's the lowest point.

That sets the tone.

So that's where Iris played by Kate Winslet is at.

And then we cut to Amanda, played by Cameron Diaz.

She's like a very successful person in Hollywood.

She cuts movie trailers in LA.

And she's got some serious issues that she honestly should be working on with a therapist.

And her relationship is ending.

And somehow they find each other through a house-swapping website and decide to exchange living spaces for two weeks, two weeks, I would just like to point out again.

Ah, the early days of the internet where you can just trust whoever arrives in your inbox.

And so Amanda goes to stay in this tiny adorable cottage in Surrey that has nothing to do with the realistic English rural experience.

And Iris just like fucking lives it up in this giant LA villa.

And Amanda instantly meets and fucks Iris' brother, played by Jude Law, who plays Graham.

And then she does nothing during her entire stay that isn't about the man.

And Iris meanwhile befriends the neighbor, who's a veteran screenwriter, and they got on like a house on fire.

And her self-esteem at this point is so awful that this man basically needs to help prop it up.

And while she's there, she also meets Miles, played by Jack Black, who's a film composer and the most wonderful human being alive.

And the experience of being around people who value and appreciate her actually remind her that she doesn't deserve to be treated like shit all the time.

Meanwhile, Amanda, this is a very big twist of the movie, has discovered that Graham isn't just generic hot man.

He has trauma.

Namely, he's a widowed father of two girls, too adorable and well-mannered to really be human.

They must be Android.

And so now we're obviously cooking with fire there because this is a man who needs to be saved.

But the whole...

Oh, sorry, where am I?

You're going to have to cut this out.

But obviously it's a movie, so there needs to be many obstacles to overcome before we can get a happy ending.

So Jack Black himself needs to learn to set boundaries and dump his shitty actor girlfriend.

And then, you know, in favor of Iris.

And Amanda needs to learn to engage with her emotions and take a risk on another person.

It obviously all happens.

We've all learned and grown and celebrate New Year's Eve together.

Like months have passed instead of two weeks, which feels a bit full on, but we love it.

The end.

That is basically the story of the holiday.

Now, what are we working with in terms of what will potentially make this a choice for The Bi-Panic Room?

You know, we've got Cameron Diaz with the megawatt smile, something we'll go into detail on in a later episode.

So stay tuned for that.

Who's honestly dipping her toe in the river of ham a little bit.

If I'm honest, like this is a very loud performance.

The esophageal spasms.

It's all happening.

We've got Kate Winslet being funny, gorgeous, and so utterly charming.

Even though she's playing like the female equivalent of a beta in the beginning, I think she's really bringing it.

We've got Jude Law at like peak boyish handsomeness, who's also playing a decent human being.

And I was thinking about this and I was like, is this around the time where he cheated on Sienna Miller by fucking the nanny on the billiard table?

Yeah, and everyone found out about it.

But you know, in this film, he's like basically magic.

It takes me so long to realize what he's spelling as well.

I-U-D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D.

Just say it out loud.

Whisper in my ear.

W-I-D-E-O-W-E-R.

What are you trying to tell me, Jude Law?

Do you want to fuck me on the arse?

I'm not a book editor like you.

And then we've got Jack Black, who is obviously being incredibly wholesome and charming.

And I don't know about you, but I remember growing up when we watched this movie, we had a humongous debate always about Jude versus Jack, who was the better man.

So that was always a big thing.

We've got Ed Burns being useless and cute and a moron for five minutes.

As Cameron's ex-boyfriend.

And we've got Rufus Sewell playing the ultimate fuckboy so fucking well.

I think in a way we're like, we didn't have that term for them at that point, but it feels ahead of its time, because that character, they just nailed it on the head.

It is so fucking awful.

And we're looking at this cast like, we're in very safe Nancy Meyers territory, white, straight and rich.

So no big surprises there.

They decorated Amanda's LA home.

The budget for that was a million dollars.

And it shows on the screen.

Yeah.

This film was a waste of taxpayers' money.

Somehow it is.

I feel like them poor Kate Windsor's house barely had a window.

That bath.

Yeah, I bet that is like worth nearly a million now.

100% it would be, yeah.

Gorgeous in its own type of way, you know?

And no black mold on any of the ceilings, which is surprising.

I was a wim.

I know.

This is actually one of those movies, we were talking about this earlier, Harry, where I used to kind of be embarrassed about liking it because like, oh, this is obviously not auteur cinema or that bullshit.

And even in terms of Nancy Meyer's movie, I think this is, she wrote and directed this, but I think this was a for hire job.

So unlike some of her other films, like this idea was sort of brought to her and then she worked with it obviously also to get paid.

But I still think it's like a fabulous movie.

And you know, people love like blittling or shitting on stuff like this, same almost like as with Taylor Swift.

And I just feel like, look, do I want to see a queer diverse remake of this?

Absolutely, that could be incredible.

Hello.

But this is what we have to work with and it's still really entertaining.

It has a gorgeous Hans Zimmer score, which is a real plot twist.

You have to admit, like you write some beautiful music for these characters.

And the people are funny and nice to look at and the houses are fucking fantastic.

So what is bi about it?

First of all, obviously, the real estate, you know?

We've got the tiny cottage, which is admittedly tiny, but like it is very pretty.

I think you're getting pneumonia though.

Potentially.

If you don't want to stay there, you can stay in Jude Law's fucking country manor house, which is very realistic for a book editor on a single income with children.

We've got the big fuck-off Spanish style villa of Amanda, and we've got Jack Black's gorgeous mid-century house.

It's just like Pete Nancy Meyer's like, we've got it all going on.

We also in a highlight have Mr.

Brightside by The Killers playing at full volume while Amanda has a body meltdown, which I think we've all been there.

Now, aggressively straight.

And also was it though, because I distinctly remember doing the same thing at an age.

I still do it.

There you go.

Now, we've also got, I think, highlight for at least two people at this table, Shannon Sossaman coming in as a small role as Jack Black's shitty girlfriend, and Indie Darling, like I think who gave a lot of us girls like tingly feelings in the late 90s.

Definitely from A Night's Tale, her and Rufus Sewell and Heath Ledger.

Exactly.

Another Bi-Can movie.

And also a cameo by Katherine Hahn, who is obviously way younger, but at this point in the culture has probably become like a beacon that emits a sound that only Bi's can hear.

A Bi-Can, if you will.

A Bi-Can, exactly.

And then I think, obviously, I think the main cell in terms of cast is just Kate Winslet, you know, I think a woman who probably managed to like turn a whole generation of girls.

And I like, I do genuinely know several queer women for whom she is like the ultimate celebrity crush.

So I think she's just like a massive, massive thing.

And of course, last but not least, the metaphor, which is that we've got two women who are stuck and unable to move on from trauma.

One has to, has the grief of family loss.

The other has years of being gaslit by the ultimate fuckboy.

And they both have to find ways of confronting and overcoming it in order to emerge as women with gumption who don't limit themselves and who embrace their full truth.

What was Kamajiya's family trauma?

Her parents got divorced and she hasn't cried since.

I mean, she was nine.

Oh, OK.

She's no hardship, OK?

She's been through it.

That therapy bill is going to be big.

So yeah, that was my little presentation about The Holiday, a film that I genuinely enjoy watching every year.

Thoughts from the crowd?

I also enjoy watching it every year.

Thanks for that, Tessa.

Hot take.

It is definitely a fun-feel holiday Christmas movie, but I...

Grace is so ready.

Grace is so ready.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm thinking about this now.

Yeah, Grace, why don't you go first?

OK.

Are you thinking tactical votes?

I'm going to fucking try, I'm sure.

Well, let me start you off.

I did not, to be fair, grow up watching this film.

I watched it for the first time last year.

And I couldn't wait to kill myself with a gas hob.

With a gas hob.

It was so long.

It is the war and peace of Christmas films.

It is really, really long.

And I don't mean it as a compliment.

She spoke the whole way through it.

I mean, is it over yet?

In the, skip the foreplay.

I mean, I actually thought it was written by a man at one point.

I was like, why is this?

I feel like that's peak Nazi, peak Nazi dialogue.

Which quickly makes her the most interesting person.

Yeah, I actually, I feel like I could, I don't want to hurt your feeling, Charlotte, because it's a Christmas film.

It's a Christmas, it's our first Christmas episode.

And I will just say this, this film is so aggressively straight that it felt like a homophobic attack when I watched it.

And for that reason, I think it's a hate crime.

And I do not think I could ever call it a bi-panic film.

I unfortunately have to report it to the police and also say no to letting it into the bi-panic room.

Unfortunately, and I will leave it there.

So Grace is obviously on the fence, Tessa.

We'll come back to you with a final answer.

Are you sure you want me next?

Sure.

Okay.

I mean, you did a really good defense.

I'll give you a real estate point.

I'll give you a Rufus Sewell point.

Kate Winslet, I'm usually into, I was not into this Debbie Downer girl in her look.

Like, I feel really sorry for myself for not brushing her hair and over to, oh, no.

And also, Cameron Diaz just didn't do it for me either in this role, which is-

She also doesn't do it for me in this role.

No.

And I think it was just so, I actually think Kate, I think they both actually so horribly overacted it.

It just, like, I think I bring it back.

I think Sandra Bullock nearly performed better in Deminition Man 4.

Leave my house.

Are you sure you want us to be neighbors?

Play Deminition Man at full volume every night.

Mental greetings.

Jack Black, I just, to be honest, don't find anything attractive about him.

Oh, fuck off.

I knew this was going to happen.

I think he is so fucking charming in this movie.

I was team Jack Black the whole way through.

You can fucking keep Jude Law.

I think Jude Law would be, again, grand.

I actually think maybe what's happened with him in real life is really tainted my view of him in this movie.

Because he is attractive, whereas Jack Black, actually, I would be more team Jack Black than Jude.

But yeah, I like watching it, I like watching it every year.

But it's not a movie that really gives me any fond, warm, tingly memories.

And it isn't like, oh, this may be really question anything.

Like deep down, I genuinely can say it didn't.

So I think that's why my vote is going to be a big NO, because I just did not.

That was gently.

Still more gently than you.

You're reporting it to the police.

I'm sorry, I can't.

You spelt it out for me.

Can you actually say the word?

Window.

So yeah, unfortunately, it just didn't do it for me.

I think it's definitely a feel good, fun Christmas movie that we probably will watch at some stages here again.

I think it's Christmas tradition, but it's not.

Yeah, it's one of those movies you turn on halfway through when there's, it's like on real TV and not on streaming kind of thing.

And you're like, oh, we'll watch the end of this.

But it isn't going to be, it doesn't just give me any bi-panic, any panic.

It just doesn't give me anything, to be honest.

Why do you watch it every year?

I just like, I like watching it at Christmas.

We can replace it with Uncle Buck, it's fine.

OK.

You said you don't watch it with family.

With the Salitude event.

Is this how you're going to get out of watching Uncle Buck every year?

I watch it, it's OK.

Harry?

I watch The Holiday all the time.

It reminds me of my housemate.

And every time I watch it, I send her a few quotes that I enjoy.

Does she give you bi-panic?

I never really watched it for The Bi-Panic.

I watched it for The Jude Law.

This is the movie where he does look his finest, in my opinion.

I would like to be seeing Mr.

Napkinhead across a dining table.

I don't really want to play step-mom.

But you would for Jude Law?

I would.

I think that would be the one that would make me broody, really.

There's some really hilarious things in this quote.

So I like the meat cute description that our old man Arthur describes.

And he's actually given me a little dating tip.

He talks about what a meat cute is.

And he talks about the story of how two people go into a pajama shop.

One walks in and says, I just need bottoms.

I just need a top.

And they get together.

So I will just stomp down into John Lewis screaming, I just need a top.

And he will magically appear.

So we'll see what happens in that.

Jude Law here, John Lewis.

So yeah, in the January sales, that's where I'll be.

Again, with Cameron Diaz, charming as hell in some of the scenes.

But yeah, not giving me the bi energy.

So big tic for Jude.

But I also get a huge tic for Kate.

She's my girl.

I love her so much.

She's so fabulous in this.

And just the way she screams, gumption at the end.

I just like cheerlead her at the back.

It is pure camp, the whole thing.

But you're so on board with it.

And she really gives it her all.

Oh, yeah.

That's the turnaround of her gassing herself.

Does she give it her all?

Yeah, she does.

Really?

Yeah.

She has gumption.

I kind of forgot she was a really good actress in this movie.

Oh, sorry.

Like, I'm such a big fan of Kate Winston.

I was just like, is she, what's her paycheck for this?

No, I think she's doing what she's being told to do.

I think that the choices are not being made by her.

But when she gets rid of the toxic Rufus Sewell and just it's cringey as hell, and if anyone actually ever did this, I would be like, girl, you really didn't kill as hard as you thought you did there.

I've got a life to start living and you're not going to be in it.

And she really thinks she's got this slam the door moment, but it's like, oh.

She's like, oh great, she's gone.

One less last to do.

But for charming.

She's giving baby reindeer.

It is utterly charming as a movie.

Not that I want to have sex with it, but I wasn't aware that that was required.

What is this podcast again?

Fair enough.

But for the joy that it brings me, and that Kate and Jude are utterly charming in it, and actually Jack back in a romantic role, which is unsettling at first, but you buy into it.

Absolutely.

So three out of four, fuck it, it's going in for me.

Well, thank you, Harriet.

Sorry.

I mean, obviously, 2 to 2, it will not be going into The Panic Room, which is sad for all involved.

I will point out that never in a million years would I have expected this to go in, because it is obviously incredibly straight.

That being said, I think we did a good job there.

Bravo.

Yeah.

Fair play to be a good defense.

For a homophobic hate crime.

I mean, someone's got to...

50% buy.

Everyone deserves a defense lawyer.

Charlotte, in this case, was assigned to the case.

I wanted to attribute.

So, sadly, The Holiday did not make it into The Bi-Panic Room.

But it sits on a shelf with Uncle Buck, with Kill Bill.

But behind bars, clearly.

If you enjoyed this episode of The Bi-Panic Room, please rate us and subscribe and leave us a review so we can reach all the other wonderful bi-cons out there.

Follow us on Instagram @bipanicroom or email us your own bi-panic experiences and suggestions to hello@bipanicroom.com.

[Outro music]

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho with an I.